


I never wanted to love you, but that's ok

by swshawnee



Category: VIXX
Genre: M/M, and yes ken/everyone pretty much, don't mind me just working through some personal baggage, look out for sexual violence and bdsm and stuff, not really sure how to tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2018-11-11 10:44:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11146797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swshawnee/pseuds/swshawnee
Summary: I always knew that you'd leave me anyway.





	1. 1

There’s an arm slung over Jaehwan’s waist when he wakes up. He only opens his eyes for long enough to conclude that it’s already past noon, given how bright it is outside, before he quickly decides to go back to sleep. If the person next to him isn’t awake yet, there’s no need for him to exist.

Thank god. 

He moves, searching for a cooler spot on his fluffy white pillow to press his face into. The city must be busy by now, bustling with people, but their room is so high up that the noise doesn’t reach them. The boy next to him is fast asleep, judging by his slow breathing. 

These are the moments Jaehwan live for. 

 

 

When he wakes up for the second time that morning, it’s to hands roaming his back. Slow, sensual strokes that are meant to be tantalizing, but to Jaehwan they feel like needles probing at his brain. Not now. For fuck’s sake, not now.

The body next to his leans in closer, and now Jaehwan can feel his breath on his cheek. Maybe, Jaehwan thinks hopelessly, if he keeps on pretending to be asleep… 

“Jaehwan,” says the boy. “Are you awake?” 

Jaehwan draws a slow breath, as if he’s just waking up. He keeps his face turned away, hoping that will get the message across. 

“Hey,” the boy says, his strokes suddenly pushing at Jaehwan’s side. “Wake up.” 

“I’m awake,” says Jaehwan, still not facing him. The boy’s body weight shifts onto him, has him sinking down into the mattress, and Jaehwan closes his eyes. “I’m tired,” he says pitifully, knowing his cuteness usually does wonders with this boy-- but then the other is straddling his lower back, massaging his the skin just below his shoulders. 

“Come on,” says the boy. Jaehwan turns his head to glare at him. 

“I said I’m tired.” 

The boy -- Sanghyuk, several years younger than Jaehwan, looks back at him, unfazed. His eyes are big and round, his hair a bleached blond that suits him perfectly, and he is, in every sense of the word, larger than Jaehwan. 

Jaehwan sighs and lets his head fall onto the pillow again. He doesn’t like it when people wake him up without his consent. Just because Sanghyuk is rested and ready to fuck again doesn’t mean Jaehwan is ready to start the day. He bites down on his cheek when Sanghyuk’s hands continue working on his shoulders, and he’s just about to voice his thoughts when Sanghyuk leans forward and presses his lips to Jaehwan’s neck. 

For fuck’s sake. Never mind the fact that it feels nice -- Jaehwan knows where this is going. “Sanghyuk…” he whines when the younger shifts until he lies directly on top of Jaehwan, knees coming down to lean against the bed on either sides of Jaehwan’s thighs. 

“Yeah?” says Sanghyuk breathlessly. Jaehwan can feel his erection against his ass. 

“I want to sleep some more…” 

Sanghyuk’s hand slides over his back, down over his ass to massage his balls. Jaehwan chews on his lips. “We have time,” Sanghyuk whispers, kisses against the side of Jaehwan’s face made awkward by the angle. “I want you now. You can sleep later.” 

Jaehwan fidgets below him. He’s still sore from yesterday, and he’s pretty sure he has the bruises to show for it. Still, he can’t help the low whine that slips out, as if by habit.

“Come on, Jaehwan,” Sanghyuk says, hands coming up again to carress his asscheeks. “Spread your legs for me, hm?” 

Might as well get it over with. Sanghyuk did pay for the hotel room, after all.

Jaehwan spreads his legs, waits for Sanghyuk’s fingers to prepare him, and moves in all the little ways he knows will spur the other on. He remains on his stomach, lightly pushing back against Sanghyuk’s fingers, breathing heavy and quivering just to break the silence. It’s not long before Sanghyuk pushes into him, and Jaehwan squeezes his eyes shut -- it hurts a bit. As he knew it would. 

Fine, he thinks, “fuck me.” 

Sanghyuk is a strange one. He makes a lot of noise when he first starts thrusting, as if he’s so overwhelmed by pleasure that he can’t keep it inside, but he’s always quiet when he comes. Jaehwan can only tell when it’s time due to the speed of his thrusts and the grip on whatever Jaehwan’s body part he can get his hands on. Now, too, he groans deeply as he gives an initial slow few thrusts. Jaehwan joins him; moans the way he’s been told thousands of times is like music to a man’s ears, makes their cocks twitch, makes it hard for them to breathe. 

Sanghyuk grabs his hair and forces Jaehwan to lift his his head from the pillow. He groans, long and deep, and feels himself grow hard. Finally. Sanghyuk fucks him hard, and for a little while Jaehwan’s moans aren’t for show. It feels good. But good god, he feels like such a fucking whore.

Sanghyuk leans over him, covering Jaehwan’s body with his own. He lets go of Jaehwan’s hair, but grabs ahold of Jaehwan’s cheek. “You like it, hm?” he asks, voice dark. “Answer me,” he says when Jaehwan can do nothing but pant, and then there’s a slap against his cheek, not hard, but stinging. 

“Yes, I like it,” Jaehwan wheezes out. Sanghyuk pulls back, grabs Jaehwan’s hips and grinds himself down even harder. He’s quiet now. And this is why Jaehwan sometimes likes the morning fucks; there’s no energy for real sex, just a hard fucking and a fast end. And Jaehwan can feel himself getting there as well. 

Sanghyuk stills for a moment and pulls Jaehwan up on all fours, one hand reaching around to stroke Jaehwan’s cock. Jaehwan keens, crying out at the stream of pleasure that washes over him, then stills, pours away, and though he’s leaning on his elbows, his foreheads touches the sheets again when Sanghyuk fucks him -- but not for long, because suddenly Sanghyuk pulls out and grabs Jaehwan’s hair again, making him turn around, and Jaehwan does what he’s told. Sanghyuk stands on his knees, pulls Jaehwan’s face towards him and pushes his cock into his mouth without a word -- this is practically tradition by now. Jaehwan merely bobs his head a few times before Sanghyuk comes, his face twisting into a pleasured grimace. Quiet. Not a moan over his lips. Jaehwan doesn’t mind the taste of come; it barely has one anyway. He pulls off and swallows to the sound of Sanghyuk’s heavy breathing. There’s a hand on the side of his face, and he looks up, not having the energy to play around and give Sanghyuk a show of his come in his mouth. Sanghyuk taps his cheek, a gesture that can’t decide if it wants to be a pat or a slap. It should have been a slap. His breathing stills, and it’s silent again. 

 

Sanghyuk drags him into his embrace. Jaehwan doesn’t mind cuddling, sometimes. Now he thinks if they could just be quiet and lie here for a while, falling asleep in somebody’s arms wouldn’t be half bad regardless of who they are. 

Sanghyuk won’t let him crawl in close and press his face into his chest. Instead they lie there, face to face, supposed to bask in post-orgasm bliss. Sanghyuk’s eyes keep roaming over his face, and it’s strange to Jaehwan, to think that Sanghyuk actually thinks he is somebody. Somebody he is willing to choke and slap around, no less, but somebody, after all. 

“I love you,” says Sanghyuk, his hand once again in Jaehwan’s hair, this time gentle. 

Jaehwan smiles, closes his eyes for a moment and looks down. It’s not unpleasant. 

“Jaehwan,” Sanghyuk says. “I love you.” But it definitely isn’t pleasant either.

Jaehwan nods. “I know.” 

It is an awful thing to say. The look on Sanghyuk’s face is proof enough if he wasn’t aware of that already. “But you…” he begins, but falls quiet. He must not want to know the answer.

“I told you already…” Jaehwan tries, willing the guilt out of his voice. It is not his fault. Please, let it not be his fault. “It’s too fast for me. To say that. Yet.” 

The word ‘yet’ stings on his lips. The truth is that Sanghyuk is not the kind of boy that Jaehwan will ever truly love. Or maybe Jaehwan is not the kind of boy that will ever truly love. Or truly do anything, ever again. 

Sanghyuk gives a deep sigh, hand falling from Jaehwan’s hair, stroking his cheek on its way down. “Will I ever get to hear you say it?” 

“We have time,” Jaehwan lies. He places a hand on Sanghyuk’s chest. “You know what I need.” 

Sanghyuk nods. He looks over his shoulder at the clock on the wall, and slowly pulls himself up. “We have to check out in an hour,” he says, sitting by the edge of the bed with his back towards Jaehwan. “I’m going to shower.”

“Okay,” says Jaehwan, and Sanghyuk gets up. “Can I join you?” Jaehwan asks, but his words are cut off by the slamming of the bathroom door. He doesn’t repeat the question. 

It’s quiet again. The water is turned on in the bathroom, and it’s a relief to Jaehwan’s mind, but it’s not enough. He gets up and walks over to the window, not bothered by the fact that he is stark naked. They are way too high up for anyone to see him, anyway.

He looks out. The streets below are indeed bustling with movement, and he thinks for a second of the assignment he’s supposed to be at home doing right now. It’s okay. It can wait. It’s not too important for his grade, and therefore one he can half-ass the night before it’s due. This is more important. This has to be done. 

Maybe if he gets himself hard again and lies down on the bed to welcome Sanghyuk back when he gets out of the shower, he won’t be so upset. He avoids thinking about why that seems so important. 

There’s still a long day ahead.


	2. 2

This assignment. This goddamn assignment. The bane of his existence. If not for it, he could be enjoying his Saturday like a normal guy his age. What the hell does he know about sociology anyway? What the hell does he _care_?

He clicks the mouse a few times, highlighting nothing in his empty document. His head is full of thoughts of everything other than goddamn sociology -- Sanghyuk, for example. The mood was awkward when they said goodbye earlier today. Sanghyuk was still upset, and Jaehwan could tell, but he had no words of comfort to offer. Maybe they should stop seeing each other before Jaehwan makes the other into too much of a sobbing mess. It’s probably for the best.

He opens the dating app on his phone, the same one he first came in contact with Sanghyuk through. A dangerous place. If you don’t watch yourself, you could get hit by love bombs and bullets of responsibility. Jaehwan is still learning to navigate the battlefield.

He has three new messages. The bottom one reads ‘ _Hello, beautiful_ ’ followed by a few heart-eyed emojis. Jaehwan cringes. It could work with some convincing, maybe, but as he opens the boy’s photos, he finds that he looks soft, way too soft; perhaps even softer than Jaehwan himself. That’s far from what he needs.

He ignores the message and moves onto the next one. It’s a simple ‘ _hey_ ’. Cold -- that’s good. But Jaehwan knows there’s heat behind those three letters, because Jaehwan’s profile states specifically that he is only interested in sex. He thought that would be enough of a shield to keep the bullets away, but they keep finding ways to hit him anyway.

He opens this boy’s photos, and his eyes widen -- cold and hot. Perfect. And tattoos, he realizes as he scrolls through the pictures. That’s new. He wonders if this guy likes getting his tattoos licked, if he can even feel it -- Jaehwan wouldn’t know, he has no tattoos. He’s never considered it before, but he can’t deny that it’s hot. He opens the conversation again and sends back a ‘ _hey ^^_ ’, hoping he isn’t too late.

He opens the last message and immediately feels his heart racing. ‘ _God, those lips of yours are perfect. I’d like to put them to good use. What are you doing tonight?_ ’ Jaehwan licks his lips; he likes guys who are vocal about that they want. He opens the man’s profile, but sees no photos -- only the words ‘ _Dom looking for a sub_ ’.

It doesn’t matter to Jaehwan that he doesn’t know what the man looks like. According to his profile, he is one year younger than Jaehwan, and he if he is willing to put Jaehwan in his place then none of those shallow details matter. He goes back to the conversation window and checks when the message was sent; forty minutes ago. Maybe, if he’s really lucky, the guy hasn’t found someone else yet…

‘ _Seeing you, maybe_?’ he types back and hurries to send. The message is read almost immediately.

‘ _Sounds workable, do you live alone?_ ’

‘ _No, I live with my family_ ’ Jaehwan types before pausing for a moment to look around his empty apartment. Cold and impersonal as always. He hasn’t yet mastered the art of making a house into a home. He should really get a cat, or something, one of these days. Might make it less lonely.

‘ _Ok, motel it is then. I can be in your area at 9pm. Sound good?_ ’

The sudden arousal makes him feel dizzy. ‘ _Sounds perfect_.’

‘ _Can’t wait to see those lips stretched as you choke on my cock_ ’

Jaehwan groans out loud. He may have already come twice today, but he is more than ready to get back on the horse. Another message arrives before he’s had the chance to think of a good reply. ‘ _Wait for me at subway station exit 6 at 9pm. I’ll make you come harder than you have in your life_.’

He gets up. The time is already seven pm, and he hasn’t even had dinner yet, but that will have to wait until the morning, because --

His phone rings. Disoriented, he picks up without checking the caller ID, already going over all the things the needs to do before nine. “Hello?”

“ _Hello, darling,_ ” comes his mother’s reply. “ _It’s so good to hear your voice_.”

He frowns. “Wait, why?”

“ _You didn’t call yesterday. I was worried_.”

Oh, right. Their unspoken promise to talk on the phone every Friday afternoon, which they’ve kept almost every single week since he moved out two years ago. “Oh, Christ, mom, I’m sorry. I totally forgot.”

“ _Were you busy_?” She sounds unbothered, but he knows she isn’t. Moms are never unbothered.

And truthfully, yes, he was busy getting his brains fucked out by some guy he doesn’t love, will never love, doesn’t even want to love -- “Yeah, things are really busy with school right now. I’m sorry.”

“ _Well, you know your brother’s graduation is coming up, and I wanted to see if we could plan something extra for his celebrations -- you know how hard he has worked over the past few years_ …”

“Yes, mom,” Jaehwan says, grabbing a towel from a hook on the wall before standing in front of the computer again. “We’ll work something out.” He removes the phone from his ear for a second to pull his shirt over his head before getting to work on his socks and pants.

“ _Oh, I’m sorry, you must be busy with your assignments._ ” Another bullet. Jaehwan ducks. It bounces off the wall behind him and digs into the back of his head.

“Yes, actually I’m working on it right now,” he says, glancing at the empty document still open on his screen. “But I’ll come see you soon, okay?”

“ _You know, it’s been almost a month since we saw you_.”

“Yes, I know.” She says nothing, and he realizes he must make some sort of promise or he will see those motherly instincts turn into murderly instincts very fast. “I’ll… I’ll come by the week after next, after all my tests are finished. Friday afternoon. Okay?”

“ _Okay_ ,” she says, and Jaehwan breaths a sigh of relief. “ _I know you’re busy. My hardworking boy._ ”

He forces a chuckle. “I should really get back to it.”

“ _Of course_ ,” she says, tone warm. “ _Work hard_!”

“I will.”

“ _Bye, darling_.”

“Bye, mom. Love you.”

He takes one more moment to stare at his unwritten assignment, thinks that maybe he should take only twenty or thirty minutes to work on it before meeting this unknown dom -- the subway station is close, so it’s not like he really needs that much time…

But no, the assignment will have to wait. Because now, now he needs to shower and wash off any trace of having already been fucked today. He doesn’t want to give off _too_ much of a trashy impression the first time they meet. And why that matters so much, he doesn’t know.

Forgetting about things that need doing, he runs into the shower, arousal battling guilt.

 

 

 

It is freezing outside, but Jaehwan does his best to seem unbothered as he waits. It’s seven minutes past nine, though he has been waiting for about fifteen. People keep pouring out of subway exit six as if it’s right in the middle of rush hour, and Jaehwan keeps scanning the crowd as it rushes out. He doesn’t know what he’s looking for; he has no idea what the boy looks like. Or what his name is, for that matter.

He leans against the brick wall of a café. It’s not too late to just go home and get a decent night’s sleep. It’d be the first time since… how long has it been? At least two months. Winter is still on-going. He has nothing to lose. Who knows, maybe the guy has already shown up, decided that Jaehwan isn’t as pretty as in his photos, and left.

Seoul is comforting at night. Though it’s dark, countless lights from every direction of the street keeps it bright, almost to the point where Jaehwan forgets it is night time. Even if the guy doesn’t show up, maybe he’ll just stay here all night, avoid the eyes of people passing him by and enjoying the safety of them not knowing why he’s standing there.

Maybe he should text Hakyeon. Just in case something happens -- that would be a good idea, wouldn’t it? Plus, Hakyeon is always so eager to hear every single detail of Jaehwan’s sex life --

“Jaehwan?”

Jaehwan freezes with his hand patting his pocket, searching for his phone. “Yes,” he breathes, unable to tear his gaze from the man in front of him.

“It’s me,” he says with a small wave. “Hi.”

“Hi,” says Jaehwan, still unable to process what he is seeing. The boy in front of him stands a few centimeters shorter than Jaehwan, and though he’s obviously well-trained, he is a bit on the slim side. Definitely not the body type Jaehwan thinks of when he hears the word ‘dom’. “Is this a joke?” he says, and the boy blinks in surprise, as if Jaehwan just slapped him.

“What?”

“I mean,” says Jaehwan, “you are just too fucking good looking. Is this a joke? It can’t be real.”

The boy chuckles, looking away. “Disappointed?”

Jaehwan laughs in surprise. “Definitely not. I just don’t understand why you don’t use photos of yourself online. You’d get, like, twenty five million matches every day.”

“Well, while I do love sex,” he boy lowers his voice and leans in a bit closer, “I don’t think sleeping with twenty five million people a day is really for me.” He smiles. “But the real reason why I don’t use photos of me is in case a family member ends up seeing my page. Don’t really want to become known as the dom of the family, if you know what I mean.”

“Oh,” says Jaehwan. A moment to consider, to remember that his own profile straightforwardly asks for sex, and then: “ _Oh_.”

The boy laughs again, then gestures towards the road ahead. “Shall we go?”

“Let’s,” says Jaehwan, excitement bubbling in his stomach.

 

They buy a few bottles of soju at a nearby convenience store before continuing to the motel. It’s always the same feeling, walking to a hotel with someone, when the both of you know you are about to have sex, yet would never in a million years dare to reach out and take the other person’s hand. Not that that would be such a great idea here. This is Korea, after all.

As they enter the motel, the boy walks up to the counter as if he feels no embarrassment what so ever. Jaehwan does what he always does: Stands a few meters away and pretends to admire the empty walls of the lobby.

“Hello, I have a reservation.”

“Yes. Name?”

“Lee Hongbin.”

Jaehwan stores that information away for future use. The woman behind the counter hands Hongbin a key and a package of necessities, and then they walk together to the elevator. Jaehwan steps in first, stands in the corner, and Hongbin follows, pressing the button for the fifth floor.

Jaehwan glances at him. Still not showing any signs of being a dom. Whatever signs that would be. Many of the guys Jaehwan has come to hotels like this with are so eager that they throw themselves on him the moment those elevator doors close, but Hongbin seems perfectly composed.

Jaehwan leans his head against the wall. “Thank God.”

Hongbin turns to look at him. “What for?”

“I just hate the part where you get to the motel and you know the staff is secretly judging you.”

Hongbin laughs. “I know what you mean.”

Jaehwan thinks he doesn’t, really. “And it makes it even worse that we’re both guys. If at least one of us was female, maybe it wouldn’t be so scary.”

“Nah,” says Hongbin. “It doesn’t make it better.”

The elevator dings and the doors open to reveal a brightly lit corridor. Jaehwan stares at the back of Hongbin’s head as they exit, and allows the other boy to walk in front of him in his search for their room. “It doesn’t?”

“Nah. But if you want to feel less weird about going to motels with guys, you should go somewhere in Hongdae or Itaewon. I’m sure it happens all the time over there.” He squints at the tag on the key, then at one of the doors in front of him. “Ah, here we are. 506.”

“Do you live there?” Jaehwan asks, leaning against the wall as Hongbin unlocks the door. Hongbin raises an eyebrow at him. “In Hongdae or Itaewon, I mean.”

“Oh. No, I live near Jamsil. I just spent a lot of time both in Hongdae and Itaewon.” He opens the door, and they both squeeze into the small hallway to remove their shoes. “You know, there’s that whole gay area in Itaewon. Have you been?”

Jaehwan shakes his head. “For as long as I live, I will never believe it is actually called Homo Hill.”

Hongbin laughs again. “How come you’ve never been?”

“Don’t  really have any friends who could potentially be interested in going.” Jaehwan walks into the bedroom, shivers a little when he sees the queen sized bed and its white sheets, and puts the bag of soju and snacks he was carrying down on the counter.

“Ah, I see,” says Hongbin as he follows Jaehwan into the room. “No gay friends, huh?” Jaehwan shakes his head again. “Well, I could take you there sometime, if you want. I think every queer person in this country should get to go at least once.”

“I’d love that,” Jaehwan says. Hongbin removes his jacket and hangs on the hanger behind the door, casual and nonchalant as if he just walked into a business meeting. “Soju?”

“Please.”

Jaehwan hands him a bottle from the bag and takes one for himself before sitting down next to him on the bed. They clink their bottles together and take a swing, Jaehwan fighting not to start giggling like a schoolboy into his.

“So…” Jaehwan says, feeling Hongbin’s eyes on the side of his face. “You go with girls to motels like these, too?”

“Yep.”

“Bisexual?”

“Yeah. Is that a problem?”

Jaehwan shakes his head and lifts his bottle again. “No, not at all.” He takes another sip. “I’m just a little curious. I’m gay, so.”

“Curious about what?” Hongbin’s hand runs through the hair above Jaehwan’s ear, and Jaehwan shivers a little. Surely he was talking about something important.

“Like… how you know who you want to sleep with when you go out to… pick someone up, or something.” Hongbin gives an incredulous smile, and Jaehwan hurries to continue: “I mean, is it like… a guy mood and a girl mood, or something like that?”

“Sometimes,” Hongbin nods. “And sometimes I just see someone and I think… look at _them_ , you know?”

“Yeah. I know.”

“And sometimes,” Hongbin continues, his free hand now on Jaehwan’s waist, “I see guys with the most beautiful, thick, full lips… and even just thinking about kissing them gets me hard.”

Jaehwan quickly raises his bottle to his lips again but can’t help but whimper as he drinks, and Hongbin chuckles, moves closer and nuzzles his face against Jaehwan’s neck. “You’re cute,” he mumbles, “and it’s incredibly sexy.”

Jaehwan screws the cap back on his bottle and lets it fall down on the bed, and the next thing he knows, Hongbin is kissing him, one hand on his cheek and the other settled on his hip. He’s growing hard by the second and he gasps into the kiss, surprised by his own arousal.

Hongbin pulls back. “Nervous?”

“Hm?” says Jaehwan. “Not very, no.”

“You seem a little tense.”

“Tense? Me? I’m just a bit, uhm… excited.”

Hongbin grins at him. “Good.” He kisses him again, firm, on the lips. “So, Jaehwan…” he says before standing up and immediately placing one knee on either side of Jaehwan where he sits. His hands push at his shoulders, coaxing him down on his back on the bed. “What do you like?”

“What do I like?”

“Yes.” Hongbin’s hands slide over his neck as he places soft kisses on his lips. “What do you like?”

“I mean… I’ve never met someone who calls themselves a ‘dom’ before.”

Hongbin pauses his movements for a moment. “Really?”

“Yeah. But- but I like it. The thought, I mean.”

“So you’ve never…”

“Some,” Jaehwan hurries. “I mean, I’ve done some things.”

“So tell me,” Hongbin orders, eyes burning straight into Jaehwan’s. “What you’ve done, and what you liked.”

Embarrassment flutters through Jaehwan’s chest, and for a moment he considers just reaching out to pull Hongbin into a kiss and just get this madness over with -- but no. Confidence. Confidence is sexy. Don’t be such a fucking wuss. He closes his eyes for a moment, wills the arousal to take him over. “I… I want you to do whatever you want to me. Even if I don’t like it, I want you to make me take it.”

Hongbin’s hands slide over his chest and down his stomach. “‘It’ being..?” Jaehwan hesitates again, and Hongbin must be able to tell, because he starts kissing Jaehwan’s neck again and gently palms Jaehwan’s cock through his pants. “If you’re a good boy and tell me, I’ll give you a reward.”

Jaehwan keens, pushing up against Hongbin’s hand. “I-I… want you to fuck my mouth until I can’t breathe. I want you to hold me down and fuck me, choke me, slap me, tie me up, please.”

Hongbin’s hand presses down a little harder. “Good,” he breathes into Jaehwan’s ear. “Anything else?”

Jaehwan pants. “You… you can talk down to me. Call me names. ...Please.”

“Like what?” Hongbin sucks his earlobe into his mouths and gives it a bite. “Bitch? Slut? Whore? Nothing but a fuckhole?”

Jaehwan cries out, already so turned on his cock is pulsating. “Please.”

“Okay,” Hongbin says, sitting up and straddling Jaehwan again. “I see what your type is. I see what kind of a slut you are.” Jaehwan’s hands are drawn to Hongbin’s thighs, but Hongbin catches his hands in his and gives him a glare of warning. “And we need a safeword. Colors are easy, right?”

Jaehwan doesn’t know how the colors work, but he nods anyway. “Red for stop.”

“And green for go,” Hongbin nods. “And yellow for…”

“Chill.”

“Right,” Hongbin laughs. “Yellow for chill. Okay?”

Jaehwan nods. “Green.”

Hongbin grins at him again. “Good boy.”

 

 

 

It’s hard at first, but once he gets used to Hongbin fucking his mouth, he loves it. He loves the animalistic noises and thrusting once Hongbin starts getting close. And once he closes his eyes, he knows he only exists for this reason and this one reason only: for other men’s pleasure.

Hongbin stares down at him through thinned eyes and Jaehwan squeezes his shut, focusing on opening his mouth as wide as possible and keeping his teeth out of the way. “That’s it,” Hongbin groans. “Those are the pretty lips I want to see.” He pulls out, and Jaehwan almost falls forward, spluttering and coughing. “Color?” He grips Jaehwan’s face in his hand, nails digging into his cheeks.

“Green,” he wheezes.

“Good.” He slaps Jaehwan’s cheek, hard enough to sting, and Jaehwan whelps, closing his eyes again at the burn. “Now get on the bed, on your knees, face down, ass in the air.” Jaehwan does as he’s told, hurries to get up on his feet though his knees ache from kneeling in the same position for too long. He gets into position, and his thighs quiver when Hongbin stands behind him. Hongbin reaches around and strokes his cock, and Jaehwan is about to cry out with relief when Hongbin makes a noise of surprise.

“What is this? Having me fuck your mouth made you hard?” Jaehwan pushes his face into the sheets. Hongbin’s hand around him makes it very hard for his thoughts to run freely. “Answer me,” Hongbin says forcefully and gives Jaehwan a hard slap on his asscheek. “Did it make you hard?”

“Yes, it made me hard,” Jaehwan sobs, embarrassed and so fucking turned on.

“So you liked being treated like a little toy? Did you?”

“Yes, I liked it.” He whines and sobs at Hongbin’s hand still moving around him, when his other hand slaps Jaehwan’s other asscheek and quickly finds his hole. He moans, long and loud when Hongbin inserts two fingers into him. Before he made him suck him off, Hongbin fingered Jaehwan until he almost cried, so he is more than prepared and desperate for Hongbin to finally fuck him.

“You’re such a good slut,” Hongbin murmurs. “Such a good whore.” His cock presses at Jaehwan’s hole, and Jaehwan can’t help himself, but pushes back, and Hongbin chuckles. Jaehwan knows he will never be able to hear that sound the same again. “So good for me.”

He pushes in, and Jaehwan bites down on the sheets below him to muffle some of his sounds. He’s still sore from this morning, and the pain and pleasure blends until he can’t do anything other than moan and beg for Hongbin to keep going, more, faster, harder.

And the other does; he picks up a pace that has Jaehwan rocking back and forth while the bed screeches in protest beneath him. “Color?” Hongbin questions, voice breathy and unstable, and Jaehwan can barely fit words into his moans.

“Green,” he almost screams, “so fucking green.”

Another slap, and Hongbin picks his face up even further. Jaehwan braces himself on his knees, pushing back to try and stay upright for all he is worth. “I’m going to come in your mouth,” Hongbin tells him, “and when I do, I don’t want you to swallow any of it until I say you can. Understood?”

Jaehwan can’t believe it, but he can’t wait.

 

 

 

 

“Do you do this a lot?”

Jaehwan leans back against Hongbin’s shoulder, not quite in his embrace, but not quite out of it either. “Sex with strangers? It happens.”

“But not this kind of sex?”

“Not so far,” Jaehwan shakes his head. “But I have a feeling from now on, I will.”

Hongbin laughs. He places a kiss on the back of Jaehwan’s neck, and Jaehwan shivers. “Do you have a boyfriend?”

Something flutters in Jaehwan at the question. “No, of course not. If I did, I wouldn’t be doing all of this.”

“Right.”

He turns to look at Hongbin, though the angle is awkward. “Why, do you?”

Hongbin shakes his head. “Nah.” Jaehwan merely stares at him. Hongbin shows him an awkward smile. “What?”

“I kind of find that hard to believe.”

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” Hongbin repeats.

“Then a girlfriend.”

Hongbin laughs, loud and clear. “None of those, either.”

Jaehwan leans back again, pulling the discarded comforter up over his thighs. “Why not?”

There’s a pause. Jaehwan doesn’t know why relationships would be any easier for Hongbin just because he is so goddamn fucking handsome, like a sculpture of a goddamn Greek god. “So far I’ve found that mixing all this ‘dom’ stuff with my relationships have been difficult. I mean, not everyone is into it. And for now, I’m set with exploring this side of myself.”

“I see.” Jaehwan lets his fingers play along Hongbin’s stomach. “But if you were to find someone who could be your partner and your sub, you might change your mind?”

“Possibly,” Hongbin says. Jaehwan nods. He shouldn’t be thinking about this. “What about you? Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

Jaehwan shrugs. “Can’t fucking seem to stop getting dumped.”

“Oh. Aw.” Hongbin runs a finger over Jaehwan’s shoulder, down his arm. “It only has to stop once. Then you’re set.”

“Meh, well,” says Jaehwan, turns around and faces Hongbin. The comforter pools around his back. “I’ve just got to see it from the bright side. There’s no guarantee I’ll ever even get the chance to be dumped again.”

Hongbin simply stares at him, but doesn’t say a word. Jaehwan laughs -- it was a joke. Come on, Hongbin; it was a joke. When Hongbin doesn’t react, Jaehwan drags himself closer, ignores the screaming of his limbs, and kisses Hongbin’s thighs.

“What are you doing?” Hongbin says.

“Seeing how long I have to tease you until you hold me down again and fuck me.”

 

 

 

 

 

“Jaehwan… Jaehwan, wake up.”

Jaehwan wakes up with a start. “What’s going on?” he says before he even knows what he’s saying.

“I’m sorry. I have a lot of things to do today, so I should really get going.”

Hongbin is standing above him, t-shirt and underwear already on. Jaehwan blinks in the light, stretches and rubs his eyes. “What time is it?”

“It’s just ten a.m.”

“And you have to go already?”

“Yeah. We have to check out at eleven thirty anyway, so it’s not much of a loss.” Jaehwan tries to lift his head to sit up, but ends up faceplanting in the sheets. Hongbin laughs. “I can leave first, if you need some time to wake up.”

“No, no,” Jaehwan says, immediately forcing his body to sit up. “I’ll go with you. No worries. I’m awake.” Hongbin gives him a very doubtful look, but goes back to getting dressed. “And I live close, so I can just shower at home,” Jaehwan adds when he sees Hongbin’s damp hair. Why Hongbin didn’t wake him up so they could shower together, he doesn’t know, but he’s not about to ask. Maybe next time. It’s one of Jaehwan’s favorite parts.

Jaehwan gets up and pulls his clothes on in record time, and soon they are out the door and squinting in the bright corridor again.

 

 

“Do you want to get some breakfast? My treat,” Jaehwan offers. Too tired to feel embarrassed or awkward, possibly.

“I really should get going,” Hongbin says. “But thank you.”

“Oh, okay. What are you getting up to today?”

“Oh, I just have a lot of school stuff to take care of,” Hongbin says, and Jaehwan bites down on his bitter smile. That sounds familiar.

“I see.” They stop at a crossing, waiting for the light to turn green, and they don’t look at each other. Hongbin’s arms are stiff at his sides. Jaehwan has wondered many times when walking out of hotels in the morning with whichever stranger he had chosen for the day, why they always insisted on holding hands or kissing Jaehwan after they walked him home. What they were trying to achieve. This is a refreshing change.

The light turns green, and they squeeze through the crowd, which seems to collectively be in a rush. They don’t speak. The sun shines a little too bright.

“You’re taking the subway, right?” Jaehwan asks.

“Hm? Oh, yeah.”

“There’s an exit right over there.” Jaehwan points, and Hongbin nods.

“Alright.”

They walk a little further. Jaehwan stops making an effort. “Look, if you’re really busy today, you can just go, you don’t need to walk me home, or anything. I live really close, anyway.”

Hongbin hesitates. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

Another hesitant pause. “Okay. I think I’ll just take the subway right now, then.”

They stop in front of exit number two. Jaehwan’s eyes hurt as he looks at Hongbin through the sunlight. “Okay.”

“Thanks for... this,” Hongbin says after concluding there are too many people around to talk about the sex they had last night. Three times, at that. “I had a lot of fun.”

“Me too,” says Jaehwan, tiny sparks of joy trying their hardest to wake up again.

Hongbin stalks walking towards the stairs. “See you,” he says, lifting a hand.

Jaehwan waves back. “Yeah, see you.”

And with that, Hongbin is gone. Without so much as an awkward squeeze of his hand on Jaehwan’s arm or anything that could indicate Jaehwan was anything else to him than a stranger.

Though, they are strangers. That’s the whole point of what they did.

Jaehwan stops staring at the place Hongbin disappeared and walks home. It will only take him a maximum of three minutes to walk there, and thank god, because Jaehwan really needs a goddamn shower.

  
  
  



	3. 3

“ _ I know that what I did was not okay, but it still wasn’t cool of you to just run out like that. That’s all I want to say _ .”

November. It didn’t mean much of a temperature shift for Seoul; as long as Jaehwan wore a jacket on nights like this, he wasn’t cold. Even the Hongdae back alleys like the one he was currently in felt okay, despite its unwelcoming desolation. 

“Are you kidding me?” Jaehwan hissed into the phone. He was glad there were no people around so that he could speak his true feelings. “You tried to  _ kiss  _ me.” 

“ _ I know that, and I’ve apologized. I made a mistake, but that doesn’t justify you treating me like shit. _ ”

Jaehwan sighed. There was a bench stood next to him, placed there for people waiting in line. The restaurant had a good reputation; it had even appeared on a TV program about half a year earlier. Jaehwan didn’t watch it, but he heard about it later. Right now, the bench was empty, though; the worst rush hour had just ended. There was an ashtray next to the bench -- no doubt whom it had been used by. Jaehwan spit on the ground next to it. 

“Well, I’m not going to apologize for that.” 

“ _ Aren’t we friends _ ?”

Another sigh. “Yes, but I need to know that you won’t pull shit like this again in the future.” When all that followed was silence, Jaehwan continued: “I have a boyfriend now.”

“ _ Christ, spare me. I know that _ .”

“Well, you could have fooled me!”  His voice echoed a little through the street. He’d better keep it down. “Listen, Sandeul, I love him. Okay? And since, like you said, you and I are friends, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t try to fuck that up for me.”

There was a laugh on the other end. “ _ You love him? Come on, you’ve known each other for like a month. _ ”

“Two months,” Jaehwan said. His gaze fell to the ground. “And yes, I love him, and he loves me.”

Sandeul scoffed. “ _ Okay, if you say so _ .”

Jaehwan wondered for a moment whether Seoul would see any snow this winter. He could picture himself walking to this restaurant through the snow -- even walking home a couple of hours later, wearing his boyfriend’s scarf. He could imagine himself seeing this particular street turn from snowy to full of cherry blossoms, to spring, to summer and to fall again. 

“Goodbye, Sandeul.” 

“ _ Fine. Bye. _ ” There was a pause, words hanging in the air that Jaehwan could practically reach out and touch. “ _ We’re still friends, right? _ ”

“Yes, we’re still friends. But we’ll have to talk about it later. I’m with my boyfriend.” 

“ _ Fine. Bye _ .” 

“Bye.” 

Jaehwan shoved his phone into his pocket and resisted the urge to slam his head against the asphalt. Instead he jumped down the stone steps to the wooden door, pulled it aside and stepped into the warm light of the restaurant. Taekwoon was standing in the cooking area with his back turned towards him, so Jaehwan walked back to their table and sank down in the chair in front of his empty plate. He picked up his can of coke -- given to him for free -- and took a sip, wishing it was something stronger.

Aside from him, there was only one table occupied in the place. It was taken by two women chatting energetically over two bowls of half eaten noodles, both around forty or fifty years old, Jaehwan guessed. Other than them, the only people in the restaurant were Taekwoon and his two younger coworkers. Jaehwan had seen them several times before, but they had never really spoken. 

Before he knew it, Taekwoon was standing in front of him with his phone in his hand. He was dressed in all black; a t-shirt with the restaurant logo on it (a steaming bowl of udon) and Japanese text that Jaehwan couldn’t read; black pants hidden behind a long, black apron with a few stains of flour on it. Jaehwan stared up and observed his face, sweaty and tired after a long day, but handsome as ever. He always seemed so  _ adult _ to Jaehwan. Jaehwan himself had only just started his first semester at university, but Taekwoon had had time to go to university, change his major once, drop out and work several different jobs before he finally came to own this restaurant, yet he was only two years older than Jaehwan. Not that Jaehwan minded. It made him feel safe.

Taekwoon stuffed his phone away and sat down opposite Jaehwan, eyes rapidly scanning his face. “Did something happen?”

Jaehwan shook his head. “No, it was just -- Sandeul called.”

“Oh?” He didn’t look concerned, but his voice said otherwise.

“He just -- he was just saying--” Jaehwan eyed the backs of Taekwoon’s coworkers. They were ever so slowly starting to clean the place up. “Later,” he finished. 

Taekwoon nodded. “Okay. I hope nothing bad happened?” 

“Not really,” Jaehwan replied with a small smile. “It’s okay.” Taekwoon pushed Jaehwan’s used plate aside and held out his hand across the table, and Jaehwan couldn’t help the slight twinge of excitement when he took his hand in his. “You look tired,” Jaehwan said. 

“Hm? Me?” Taekwoon shook his head. “No, today was pretty calm. I even had time to take a nap for an hour during lunch time.” 

“Oh. That’s good. I’m glad.” Jaehwan knew that weekends and rainy days were bad for Taekwoon; the rain somehow giving lots of people craving for warm noodles. Which is mostly what they served at his restaurant -- seafood, udon and donkatsu. Luckily that day was a sunny tuesday, and Jaehwan was thankful for anything that gave his boyfriend any small amount of rest. “Wait -- where exactly did you take a nap?” Jaehwan asked with a laugh, looking around the restaurant. It was popular, but also very small - only eight small tables to go by, which was also why there was usually a long line outside.

“Not in here,” Taekwoon laughed. “Out back, I have a little place. It’s like a tent, and there’s a bed there-- I’ll show you sometime.” 

“Please do.” No matter what Taekwoon said and no matter how he tried to hide it, the exhaustion always came off him in waves. Jaehwan let go of his hand. “It’s getting late,” he said, throwing an eye over his shoulder at the clock above the door. “I should let you work. You’re probably closing soon, right?”

Taekwoon nodded. “We close in half an hour, I don’t think we’ll get many more customers today.” A pause. Jaehwan could always tell from his face when he was about to say something. “If you stay for a bit, we could do something once I’ve cleaned up. If you want.” 

“Really?” Jaehwan asked. “Won’t that be late? You have to work tomorrow too, you know.”

Taekwoon smiled at him. “I’m fine. I just want to spend time with you.” 

“If you’re sure. You know I always want to be with you if I can.”

Taekwoon reached for his hand again. His smile was infectious, and he seemed to show it more and more the longer they spent together. “Then just sit right here and wait while I clean up, okay?”

“Shouldn’t I do something?” Jaehwan said. He let his thumb play along the skin of Taekwoon’s hand. “I’ll feel weird just sitting here while you work.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Taekwoon laughed. “I’ve got the guys. Just wait for me, yeah?”

“Okay,” Jaehwan agreed, just as the two women eating noodles got up and started moving to the door. As if he had a built-in radar, Taekwoon shot up and hurried towards the counter by the door to take their payment, and Jaehwan was left sitting by the table with a vague excitement but dissatisfaction brewing in his stomach. He suspected he would never get enough of Taekwoon, not even if they lived together until the day he died. 

But he could wait. He had spent so much time here over the past two months that it was starting to feel more like his personal cafeteria than a restaurant. And all he wanted was for things to stay the way they were.

 

 

 

While he waited, he thought of Sandeul again, though he tried not to. Every time his friend’s face showed up in his thoughts, he couldn’t help but feel unreasonably pissed off -- who did he think he was? What kind of person did he take Jaehwan for? The kind of person who just kisses whoever he likes even though he’s in a relationship -- maybe even has sex with others behind his boyfriend’s back? Jaehwan shuddered. Even when he was single, he was never the kind of person to sleep around. It didn’t interest him. What he had with Taekwoon -- the connection, the intimacy, the  _ love  _ \-- those kinds of things interested him. And he would never in a million years do anything to jeopardize that. The thought of being seen as a person who did all those things made him feel dirty, gross, like he wanted to crawl out of his skin.

Taekwoon appeared from the back, now without the pink cleaning gloves he was wearing earlier. Jaehwan was a little disappointed, but tried not to look too smug as Taekwoon stood by the end of the bar, picked up his phone and turned off the blaring music. Taekwoon had told him he always played loud music when he was cleaning up, and today he had made sure to play some of Jaehwan’s favorite songs, looking over at him with a smile when he saw Jaehwan rocking out to particularly good portions of the songs. “I’m done,” he said, looking up at Jaehwan. “I’m sorry you had to wait for so long.”

“I don’t mind.” 

Taekwoon didn’t seem to believe him. “Just give me one more second to change, okay?”

“Don’t worry, really,” Jaehwan laughed as Taekwoon disappeared into the back again. “I’m fine. It’s worth it if it means I get to be with you.” 

Taekwoon took his clothes with him into the room and sat down on one of the sofas to change. His other two co-workers had left for the day, leaving Taekwoon to close up. Jaehwan remained where he was sitting at the bar, his back turned, hoping for all he was worth that his ears weren’t turning pink. They hadn’t necessarily seen each other naked yet, or done much of anything resembling sex, so Jaehwan was surprised at the normally reserved Taekwoon suddenly taking off his clothes with Jaehwan there in the same room. Not that he was about to complain.

There was a hand on his shoulder a few minutes later, and Jaehwan turned around on his bar stool. “Hey,” said Taekwoon, linking his hands behind Jaehwan’s neck. “I’m here.”

Jaehwan wrapped his arms around Taekwoon, spreading his legs to pull Taekwoon in closer and press his face against his chest. “Hello. Did you eat today?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you order in?”

“No, I had some of our food. Or well, I tried to.”

Jaehwan pulled back to look up at his boyfriend. “Tried to?”

Taekwoon scrunched his face up. “It just tastes so bad.”

“Hey, you made that.”

“Doesn’t mean I like it.” 

Jaehwan laughed. “You shouldn’t insult my boyfriend like that in front of me. I could get really angry, you know.” 

Taekwoon faced Jaehwan’s glare with a smile. “Really.”

“Yes. You don’t know the force that--”

Jaehwan’s words were cut off by Taekwoon’s lips on his. 

“Hey!” Jaehwan cried, pulling back. “You just ruined my joke!” 

Taekwoon pulled Jaehwan out of the chair so that he was standing just in front of him, before cradling Jaehwan’s face in his hands and kissing him again. Soft this time, slow in a way that made Jaehwan’s stomach constrict, a feeling he couldn’t associate with anything he had experienced so far in his whole life, but left him wanting more, closer -- and so he pressed himself closer, wrapped his arms around Taekwoon’s middle and kissed him for all he was worth.

Taekwoon pulled back. “Sorry. What was the joke?”

Jaehwan leaned forward and let Taekwoon hold his weight up. “I have absolutely no idea. Do that again?” 

Taekwoon’s kisses were always this soft. It wasn’t until they kissed for the first time that Jaehwan realized his own tendency to rush, to do everything with fervor, sometimes too much, and Taekwoon had a calming effect on him from the day that they met. That’s why Jaehwan found it hard to breathe when Taekwoon’s kisses suddenly turned into little playful bites at his lower lip, when his hands found his hips and pulled him closer, grinding him against him. 

“Is this okay?” Taekwoon pulled back long enough to ask, and Jaehwan merely nodded. He didn’t have the breath to say anything, anyway. The sense of urgency came back, and he was suddenly aware that the room was completely silent around the two of them; the door even blocking out the lively bustling from down the street. Taekwoon’s hand pushed in between their bodies and gripped at Jaehwan’s thigh. “You can tell me to stop anytime, okay?”

“I-I don’t want to stop.” Jaehwan wished later that he would have sounded more confident, but the truth is that he wasn’t. 

“Are you sure, Jaehwan?” Taekwoon asked. His hand slid over his thigh up to Jaehwan’s crotch, slowly stroking him through his pants. 

“I’m sure,” Jaehwan whined, his hands clutching at Taekwoon’s arms as if he didn’t know what to do with himself. 

“In that case,” Taekwoon said, placing a kiss on Jaehwan’s lips before swiftly looking down, “Do you want to go out to the back?”

“To the back?”

“You know. I told you there’s a bed out there.”

“Oh,” said Jaehwan. He couldn’t understand it, but he hadn’t realized the direction their actions were heading in until that moment. “Uh… Sure. Yes. I mean, yes.” Taekwoon’s gaze searched Jaehwan’s eyes for a few moments, his hand still moving over Jaehwan’s crotch, before he finally nodded. “Okay,” he said, withdrawing his hand. “Let’s go.”

 

 

 

Jaehwan was thankful that Taekwoon’s restaurant laid in the outskirts of Hongdae, almost halfway to Sinchon, because it meant their particular back street was empty. There were a few other restaurants around, but nothing to see around ten thirty on a tuesday night. Taekwoon’s hand was clasped tightly in his, with Taekwoon leisurely leading them around the corner. The air was cool, bordering on a little cold now, but Jaehwan was thankful. His heart was pounding so hard he suspected he was about to pass out. He looked up for a moment, towards the starless sky, trying to take in what was about to happen. He wanted to remember this detail. He wanted to remember how he felt when Taekwoon led him to the small metal gate by the side of the street; he wanted to remember the sound of it creaking open and the searching look in Taekwoon’s eyes when he turned around to face Jaehwan.

“It’s down here.” 

Jaehwan tilted his head. There was nothing other than pitch black darkness ahead of them. “Are you sure you’re not just bringing me down here to kill me?” 

Taekwoon smiled again. “We’ll see. Come on.” 

They walked down the steps together hand in hand, and when they reached the bottom, Jaehwan finally laid his eyes on the tent Taekwoon had been talking about. “Really?” he whispered. “Here?” 

“Don’t worry,” Taekwoon said. “No one will bother us. I tried clean up in here a few days ago, just in case you’d…” He cut himself off. Jaehwan imagined him blushing, but he couldn’t tell in the lack of light. Taekwoon pulled open the tarpaulin that served as an entrance. “Go on.” 

Jaehwan did as he was told and squeezed in through the small opening. The tent wasn’t nearly high enough for him to stand upright, but even in the darkness he managed to make out the bed Taekwoon had been referring to -- if it could be called a bed. It reminded him a hospital stretcher, at best, but he didn’t mind. He sat down on it. The tent was almost tall enough for him to sit upright.

He looked up at Taekwoon, who made his way in just after him. There was a heater by the door, and an electrical fan right next to it -- for the summer, most likely. Jaehwan didn’t have time to study his surroundings through the darkness any further, because soon Taekwoon joined him on the bed, and he immediately forgot everything else. 

 

 

When the head of Taekwoon’s cock pressed against him, he couldn’t catch his racing breathing anymore. This was new. This was all so new. The whines spilled out of him at a pace he couldn’t control, and he wished Taekwoon would lean down and kiss him, make him forget about fears that may pop up at any moment.

“Taekwoon,” Jaehwan panted. 

“Yeah?”

“I… I haven’t… I haven’t actually done this before.”

Taekwoon froze. Jaehwan did his best not to do the same.

“Oh.” His hands wandered over Jaehwan’s thighs, up over the front of his shirt -- he was still wearing it, and Taekwoon was still wearing his -- until they reached his face. “I-- I didn’t know.” 

“I know. I should have told you.”

Taekwoon’s thumb caressed his bottom lip. His breathing was labored, and Jaehwan felt something akin to victory over it. “Do you… still want to?”

“Yes, yes, of course,” Jaehwan hurried. “I… I didn’t mean for you to stop. I just… I thought you should know.”

Taekwoon nodded. “Are you sure?”

“Yes. Just… take it easy, yeah?” He tried to give a coy smile, tried to appear unbothered, but his whole body was trembling by then.

“Jaehwan, you are completely safe with me. You know that, right?” 

Jaehwan held onto Taekwoon’s shoulders. “I know.”

“You can tell me to stop anytime.” 

“I don’t want to stop. I don’t. Let’s… please. I want to do this. With you.” 

“Okay,” Taekwoon said, hushing him. “Okay.” He placed another sweet kiss on Jaehwan’s lips, reassuring, warm, safe. Then he pulled back, getting into position again, pushing against Jaehwan’s hole. “Tell me if it hurts. At any point. Okay?”

Jaehwan nodded, mind in overdrive. “Please.” 

He expected it to hurt more than it did. It did sting when Taekwoon first pushed in, but after a few strokes back and forth he quickly got used to it. And even though the pleasure didn’t hit him at first, he still couldn’t stop the moans from spilling out of his mouth -- just out of pure ecstasy of having Taekwoon inside him.

Taekwoon shifted so that he was lying on top of Jaehwan, before picking up a slow pace, his eyes never leaving Jaehwan’s face. Completely forgetting that they were on an open street, Jaehwan moaned louder, and Taekwoon stopped suddenly. “Does it hurt?” he asked, and Jaehwan’s mind stuttered for a moment. 

“No,” he said, feeling shy about his own noisiness all of a sudden. “It… it’s good. It feels good.”

“Oh,” Taekwoon said, seemingly equally embarrassed. “Good.” He moved again, causing Jaehwan to squeeze his eyes shut at the initial discomfort that soon ebbed out into pleasure.

They didn’t speak. Despite his embarrassment, Jaehwan couldn’t help it; he couldn’t stop his moans. Taekwoon’s pace soon picked up, beyond what Jaehwan had thought he could handle during his first time, and soon any discomfort he had experienced dissipated completely, and he was enveloped in Taekwoon’s warmth.

He did his best to meet Taekwoon’s gaze, but his eyes kept closing without his permission. It was almost too much to handle. Taekwoon’s eyes were almost always cold -- except for when he smiled -- but they could hold so much love that it was the closest Jaehwan had ever come to a physical representation of the feeling. And they did then too; when Jaehwan reached down to stroke himself and his moans picked up in volume, and Taekwoon’s eyes were mere inches above his own, staring down at him with such hunger that Jaehwan felt like tearing up. Taekwoon was here with him. He wasn’t thinking about anybody else. And Jaehwan didn’t know how he ever got so lucky. 

Taekwoon stopped moving. The tent was quiet apart from Jaehwan’s rapid breathing. Then he gave one hard thrust, burying himself to the hilt in Jaehwan, who cried out in pleasure -- he was so close. Taekwoon’s eyes still never left his. Another hard thrust. Jaehwan cried out again, physically close to tearing up now. Again. And again. Jaehwan’s cries tied together into a string of whining that he should probably have held back with a hand across his mouth. 

“God, those noises you make,” Taekwoon murmured, for the first time leaning his forehead against the pillow beneath Jaehwan’s head. “You sound amazing.” 

“I’m going to come,” Jaehwan managed to choke out before the orgasm hit him. Taekwoon fucked him through it, rocked the bed back and forth until Jaehwan almost fell off and they had to change positions. 

Taekwoon made wonderful, strangled noises right up until the moment before he came. When he did, he stilled inside Jaehwan, leaning down to kiss him lazily, as if the only thing that could have made the moment better was to kiss him. To be close to him. And only him. 

Jaehwan had never felt so loved, and from that moment on, would never feel so loved again.

 

 

 

“Poor baby,” Jaehwan cooed. Taekwoon was lying on his back on the bed, his shirt still on but his pants lost somewhere on the ground. He was sweating, eyes closed, as if he was about to fall asleep. “You must be so tired.”

“I’m not,” said Taekwoon. “I’m just enjoying the moment.”

“Still,” Jaehwan said. He was leaning over Taekwoon, his elbow against the bed and his face leaned in his hand. “You work twelve hours a day, six days a week. You must be exhausted.”

Taekwoon shrugged, bringing Jaehwan’s free hand up on his chest to hold. “It is what it is.”

“And now here I am, stealing the rest of your time. I really hope you get enough rest.”

“Will you stop worrying about me?” Taekwoon said, never raising his voice. “I love my job. My only regret is that I can’t spend more time with you.”

Jaehwan grinned. “Make me.”

“Don’t challenge me,” Taekwoon said. “You never know where you’ll end up.” He smiled, tired, but Jaehwan still loved the playful side of him. “Besides, it’s just one month left till my vacation now.”

“Right. Your trip to Japan.” Jaehwan smiled, happy for his boyfriend and his three weeks of Leaving Jaehwan in Korea to Die Alone. 

Taekwoon nodded. “If I had known that I was going to meet you, I would have gone travelling with you instead. We could have gone to Jeju. Or Busan.” 

Laughter reached them from outside, along with the footfalls of two or more people passing by.

“God.” Jaehwan hid his face in Taekwoon’s chest. “How could I have been so loud? You should have stopped me.”

“Didn’t want to,” Taekwoon said. He was smiling again. “You were beautiful.”

Jaehwan lifted his head. Had it been anyone else, he would have argued. For some reason, he could never doubt Taekwoon’s sincerity.

“Tell me what happened before,” Taekwoon said. “With Sandeul.”

“Oh. Uh…” Suddenly he wasn’t sure if telling Taekwoon was a great idea. Did people usually tell their boyfriends this stuff? Jaehwan didn’t know; Taekwoon was his first real relationship. “Uhm… I think Sandeul likes me.” 

“Oh?” 

No indication of a freak-out. No anger. Just Taekwoon. “He… he tried to kiss me.”

“When?”

“Last time we hung out. Last weekend.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah.”

Taekwoon stared at him. “So… What did you do?” 

“I just left. Just got up and walked out.” Jaehwan gave a pained smile. “So things have been a bit weird since then.” Silence fell, as it often did with Taekwoon. Whatever that meant. “I’m not… really sure why I’m telling you this. But it feels nice, you know? To be able to be honest with someone. And trust them. With everything.”

Taekwoon’s arm curled around Jaehwan’s waist. “Of course.” That thoughtful look appeared on his face again, and then: “You didn’t… kiss him back, right?”

Taekwoon had been cheated on before. Jaehwan knew that much. And now, he kicked himself for not being more clear from the start. “No, of course not! I would never. I love you, you know?”

“I know, but... “ 

“No buts,” Jaehwan said, leaning down to kiss him again, quick and sweet. “I would never do that to you. And I know it must be hard for you to trust that, but… You’ll see with time. I’ll be here.”

Taekwoon didn’t smile this time, but Jaehwan knew. He could tell. “I love you more.”

Taekwoon jerked in surprise when Jaehwan’s fist hit the bed. “Okay, that’s it,” he said, getting up on all fours, “you’re going to fucking get it.” 

Their laughter couldn’t be heard from outside.


	4. 4

Jaehwan’s sociology assignment is due tomorrow, Monday at twelve p.m. sharp. He finally managed to get started on it about four hours ago and has come a little more than halfway, but now the words in the articles he’s reading are starting to move around the page.

He checks the time for the fifth time in five minutes. Only six p.m.. Plenty of time. He’ll pull an allnighter if he has to. This is fine. It’s what he always does anyway; procrastinating until the last moment. As long as he finishes everything tonight, he can print the paper at school tomorrow morning and hand it in to his teacher in good time. It’s fine. It’s all fine.

 

If only the last part of his assignment would cooperate. Jaehwan stretches -- he hasn’t written anything in twenty minutes and his eyes are constantly drawn to his phone. Maybe he should head out and get something to eat? He hasn’t eaten since this morning. Maybe that’s why he can’t concentrate. Or maybe he should just take get some instant ramyeon from a convenience store, like he does most days when he’s alone. He doesn’t like going to restaurants on his own.

Sighing, he gives up and checks his phone. It’s been on silent with the vibration turned off all day as to not distract him, but somehow it keeps calling out to him. He unlocks it and finds several messages from Hakyeon freaking out about something as usual, a missed call from Sandeul, two messages from Sanghyuk, and -- a message from tattoo boy.

‘ _I know you said you don’t have time, but I’m in Hongdae tonight. hmu if you change your mind._ ’

Tattoo boy, or Wonshik, as Jaehwan since has learned, has texted Jaehwan almost every day for the past week. They haven’t been able to set up a meeting despite living reasonably close, but Jaehwan intends to make it happen soon.

Not tonight, though. He ignores the message, puts his phone away again and stares vacantly at the screen in front of him. Maybe he just needs a break. Get some fresh air, clear his head. He’s just about to get up from his chair when his doorbell rings, loud and screeching, and he jumps up, as always a little nervous when there’s someone by the door. Clutching his phone in his hand for safety, he walks into the hallway. He isn’t expecting anybody.

He opens the door and finds Sanghyuk standing there. Jaehwan lets out the breath he was holding but immediately feels himself flare up; what is he doing, showing up here without a warning?

“Sanghyuk,” he says. “What are you doing here?”

Sanghyuk smiles at him, seemingly completely oblivious to his displeasure. “I came to see you, of course. You haven’t responded to my messages for a while, and -- well, I got a little worried.”

Jaehwan pulls a hand through his unshowered, greasy hair. He’s in his most trashy t-shirt and sweatpants whereas Sanghyuk is neatly dressed as always. “I was busy. I am, I mean. Busy.”

“Oh,” says Sanghyuk. His eyes go to the phone in Jaehwan’s hand, and Jaehwan resists the temptation to hide it behind his back. “What’s up?”

“I’m working on this assignment.” He didn’t mean for it to come out so coldly. He never does. But there’s an itchy feeling working its way from his fingertips up over his arms. “It’s due tomorrow, so I really don’t have time.”

“I see.” Sanghyuk’s eyes are still on Jaehwan’s phone. “Well,” he says after a moment, looking up into Jaehwan’s eyes. “I just… I just wanted to give you this.” He pulls out a hand from behind his back to reveal two roses; one red and one pink. He hands them over, tentative smile on his face, and Jaehwan accepts them without a word. He stares down into the petals. The itchy feeling rushes up over his shoulders and tickles at his neck.

“I-- thanks.”

They’re quiet as the anti climax washes over them. Sanghyuk stares at Jaehwan as if he’s waiting for something. Jaehwan avoids his eyes.

“So, can I come in for a bit?”

Jaehwan simply stares at him. “I told you, I’m a bit busy right now.”

Sanghyuk says nothing for a few seconds. When he leans against the doorframe, that soft smile of his is gone. “You were so busy for the last three days that you couldn’t even spare one second to text me back?”

“I was. I told you, I’m working on an assignment--”

“Oh, come on.” Sanghyuk stares at him, but Jaehwan doesn’t know what he’s expected to say. “What’s going on here, Jaehwan?”

“I-- I don’t understand what you mean.”

“Last time we met, everything was fine, but you’ve barely spoken to me since then.”

Jaehwan bites down around nothing. “It hasn’t even been two weeks.”

“Don’t play dumb,” Sanghyuk says, and gone is any trace of softness. Suddenly he looks as if he’s about to start crying, and for a second, Jaehwan considers inviting him inside. “I know you don’t feel the same way, but I do love you, Jaehwan. So please… have mercy on me.”

“What do you want from me, Sanghyuk? What?” Jaehwan asks, and Sanghyuk’s eyes widen. “You can’t just turn up like this, okay? I’m not your boyfriend!”

Jaehwan’s heart clenches. Why, he doesn’t know -- the words are nothing but true. “I’m sorry,” Sanghyuk says quietly. “I was just worried.” Jaehwan fights not to let a sigh out. “I guess it was stupid of me to think that you’d be happy. To see me, I mean.” Jaehwan’s grip tightens around the flowers. He has no responsibilities to this kid. “Next time, could you please just tell me that you’re going to be busy?”

“I’m sorry, then. Jesus christ,” Jaehwan bites out. “I thought you could take a hint.”

There are tears in Sanghyuk’s eyes now. Jaehwan feels nothing when silence falls. “Last time we met,” Sanghyuk says, “and I told you I loved you. You said ‘we have time’.”

“Look, Sanghyuk, I really don’t have time for this right now. The assignment-- it’s due tomorrow and--”

“I got it.” They stare at each other. Jaehwan’s breaths come out short and rapid, powered by rage. “Fine,” Sanghyuk says then. “Do whatever you want.” And with that, he’s gone.

 

Jaehwan shuts the door and sits down in front of his computer again. Well, he got his break, alright. Now he just needs to store away the image of Sanghyuk’s tearful eyes somewhere deep down where he can’t even sense it until this goddamn assignment is finished.

He has nothing to feel guilty about. Sanghyuk is not his boyfriend and he has no obligations to the kid.

But Sanghyuk did say he loves him. He loves him. And he’s kind -- albeit a little self-centered, but he is young, so it’s to be expected. And he deserves better than Jaehwan lashing out at him for no--

He deserves better than Jaehwan.

But then again, a person saying that they love him and his mess can’t be a sign of anything other than complete insanity. Sanghyuk doesn’t even know him, and he thinks he _loves_ him? Please. Nobody loves Jaehwan, because nobody really knows him. And what did he mean by ‘do whatever you want’? He doesn’t need Sanghyuk’s goddamn permission to do anything.

Jaehwan would give anything for this itchy feeling to go away. He rereads his own writing, but now his head aches from holding back angry tears. Maybe this is what it feels like to lose your mind.

 

 

 

And maybe he has already lost his mind. He must have, he thinks, as he hurries towards the subway, because there is simply no other explanation for this. It’s eleven p.m., and even on a cold Sunday night, the streets are full of people. It snowed a little today, while Jaehwan worked on his assignment, but most of it has already melted away. Only a thin layer remains on the ground. Jaehwan’s assignment has been finished, barred proofreading. All he needs to do now is turn it in tomorrow morning.

When he gets to the subway exit, Wonshik is already waiting for him. “Jaehwan,” he says as he sees him, pulling earphones out of his ears. “I was beginning to think you wouldn’t show.”

“Sorry,” Jaehwan pants. “I had to take a shower.”

Wonshik’s eyes linger on Jaehwan’s still wet hair. “So I see. It’s nice to meet you, anyway.”

“You too.” The shower didn’t alleviate the itching of Jaehwan’s skin.

“So, do you want to go get a drink first, or something? Maybe something to eat?”

Jaehwan never got to have dinner, he realizes, but he shakes his head. “Actually, I have class tomorrow morning, so I probably shouldn’t.”

“Ah, really?” Wonshik says. The more he speaks, the more Jaehwan likes his voice. Dark and raspy. “What time?”

“Eight a.m.,” Jaehwan says. Class starts at ten.

“Oh, shit,” Wonshik winces. “Are you sure it’s okay to hang out tonight?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.” Jaehwan waves his words away with his hand. “As long as we get going pretty soon.”

“Alright. Straight to business, then. Shall we?” Wonshik’s hand lingers on Jaehwan’s back, his other arm pointing the way, straight ahead. Jaehwan nods, and they set off to find a motel together.

They don’t speak, and Jaehwan doesn’t make an effort to start a conversation. He’s tired. And as they stop at a crossing, Jaehwan thinks of the street to that restaurant, the one he wanted to see covered in snow one day. Tonight would have been optimal. He wonders to himself who owns that restaurant now, and if it even still exists.

 

 

“Do it, please. Please. Fuck me.”

Wonshik has been teasing him for what feels like hours, and while Jaehwan does enjoy the torture, he needs more tonight. He needs to be used, needs to have his thoughts fucked out of him until this itchy feeling in his skin disappears. He knows Wonshik can do it, he just knows. His personality may not be as cold as his appearance suggests, but he is well trained and could probably choke Jaehwan unconscious in record time. The thought gets him even harder than he already is.

“God,” Wonshik grunts at Jaehwan’s plea. He touches Jaehwan’s bottom lip with his thumb. “Who could ever deny these pretty lips anything?”

Jaehwan groans, mostly in annoyance at this never ending nagging about his pretty lips. He wishes Wonshik would slap him across the face until his bottom lip splits open. Wonshik leans even closer, pressing Jaehwan further into the mattress as he lines up, pushing against Jaehwan’s ass. “Tell me if it hurts.”

Jaehwan keens when Wonshik slides into him, thrashing about on the sheets. More, more, he needs more. A whip. A slap. A hand around his throat. Anything. “Fuck me,” he whines. Sweat is starting to form on Wonshik’s forehead.

“You’re a needy one, aren’t you?” Wonshik says as he pulls out and thrusts back in again. Jaehwan nods frantically, wanting to hear more of Wonshik’s deep voice talking down to him. “You are so fucking sexy.”

“More,” Jaehwan begs. “Faster. More.”

Wonshik obeys, picking up his pace. He fucks Jaehwan while staring down into his eyes, and Jaehwan makes no attempts to keep his open. He doesn’t need that. But it still isn’t enough -- Wonshik is fucking him like Jaehwan is his lover, not his property. He reaches out, lifts one of Wonshik’s hands from the sheet below and pulls it up to his throat. “Please,” he moans.

“That’s what you like?” He applies no pressure, but simply holds his palm against the skin of Jaehwan’s throat. His thrusts stop. “Do you have some kind of rape fetish, or something?”

Rape fetish. What a vile word. It’s not like Jaehwan actually wants to be raped or abused -- just controlled. Surely. “Yeah,” he breathes, hands sliding along Wonshik’s arm to egg him on. “Please.”

Wonshik fucks him again, fingers closing around Jaehwan’s throat. Jaehwan holds his breath in anticipation, staring up into Wonshik’s eyes, loving the image of him moving above him.

“I’m sorry,” Wonshik says. His hand moves away. “I don’t want to end up accidentally hurting you.” Jaehwan closes his eyes. “I guess I’m not really into that stuff. Is that okay?”

“It’s fine,” Jaehwan gasps. “Just fuck me, hm? Fuck me hard.”

“Happy to oblige,” Wonshik says with a tilted smile. He leans down to press a sloppy kiss to Jaehwan’s lips, and Jaehwan’s body itches.

 

 

They lie in bed together afterwards. Wonshik tries to make smalltalk, but Jaehwan can’t find it in himself to care. Usually he likes post-sex conversations, but not tonight. His body is vibrating with unused, itchy energy, and all he wants is to go outside and run until he can’t move anymore. He feels like he can’t breathe where he lies, his back turned towards Wonshik, who is holding him from behind. It seems they have an unspoken agreement to just go to sleep and deal with this madness in the morning, but Jaehwan can’t even close his eyes.

Suddenly he thinks of Sanghyuk again. What would he say if he knew that Jaehwan was about to go to sleep in someone else’s arms? Not that it matters. They will most likely never speak again. And there is nothing wrong with that. Jaehwan has done nothing wrong. If anything, Sanghyuk is the one who’s in the wrong for insisting that he sees something in Jaehwan that isn’t there. Something good. Something worthwhile.

Jaehwan throws Wonshik’s arm off of him and climbs out of bed. He manages to locate his underwear on the floor next to the bed and pull them on before Wonshik speaks.

“What are you doing?” He sits up on the bed. “Where are you going?”

“I’m going home.” Jaehwan picks up his jeans from a chair by the wall and starts putting them on as well. “I can’t sleep here.”

“But I already paid for the full night,” Wonshik says. His eyes are sad. Jaehwan explodes.

“So? So what? What are you trying to say?” he yells. “You paid for the motel, so now you own me for the night? Is that it?”

Wonshik’s face is blank as he stares at him. “Is this cause I wouldn’t choke you?”

“No,” Jaehwan says, furiously working on his belt. “It’s because you can’t give me what I want. This is a waste of time.”

Wonshik leans against the headboard. He doesn’t look particularly upset or angry. He’s quiet for a while as he watches Jaehwan dress himself, and the silence is a blessing to Jaehwan’s pounding head. “I would have bought you breakfast in the morning, you know.”

“I don’t need fucking _breakfast_!” Jaehwan hisses at him, his shirt in his hands. “Are you kidding me? I need someone who’s not such a fucking pussy, who can hold me down and make me do whatever they want!” He storms over to the shelf beneath the TV on the wall, snatching his phone and keys away and stuffing them into his pocket. “I’m out of here.”

He’s just about to put his shirt on when he realizes Wonshik is standing right behind him, still fully naked. He turns around, curious more than anything else. The soft, warm smiles Wonshik offered him all night are gone. “Get on your knees.”

“What?”

“I said, get on your you knees.”

Jaehwan blinks. His anger melts away. “Why?”

“So that I can fuck your face, what do the fuck do you think?” Wonshik says. Jaehwan’s stomach clenches.

“I thought you weren’t into that stuff,” he scoffs.

“I’m not,” Wonshik says, “but it sure beats sleeping alone for another night.”

They stare at each other. Jaehwan’s breathing is starting to return to normal. Wonshik’s stare is so cold and piercing that it makes Jaehwan wonder just what buttons he pushed to make Wonshik like this.

“Now get on your fucking knees,” Wonshik says. His hand is on Jaehwan’s shoulder, pushing down, and Jaehwan lets his shirt fall from his hands as he kneels, opening his mouth to let Wonshik do whatever he pleases.

 

 

 

Jaehwan dresses himself quietly. It’s just before four a.m., and he’s going home. His whole body groans when he thinks about getting up at eight tomorrow morning, but he has to. Tomorrow is the due date for that damn assignment. But oh, right -- he doesn’t need to shower tomorrow morning, and if he skips breakfast he could probably get up at nine thirty and still get to school just in time. Although, he needs some time to print his assignment before class starts -- damnit -- but maybe he can sleep until ten minutes past nine, then. At least that’s something.

Wonshik is snoring up a storm, still fast asleep on the bed. Maybe tomorrow Jaehwan will feel guilty for leaving him like this after what he said, but right now he is too tired to care and too worn out to stay here. He needs the silence and loneliness of his own room. The itchiness has settled somewhat and he needs to go to sleep and forget that this day ever happened, even if it’s only for five hours.

He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror on the wall. There are red and purple marks on his neck where Wonshik’s fingers pressed into his skin; for someone who claimed not to like dominating people he sure got into it there for a while. Not that Jaehwan minds. But thank fuck for winter and scarf season.

He puts his jacket on and opens the door slowly, though there seems to be no need for carefulness. Wonshik must be a heavy sleeper. Jaehwan closes the door almost soundlessly, but even so he hurries through the corridor and down the stairs just in case Wonshik were to wake up and come after him. It’s not until Jaehwan is out the door and out into the late February cold before he trusts that he won’t.

 

 

 

 

Jaehwan wakes up the next morning so tired he’s almost unable to open his eyes. He came home and stumbled into bed at four twenty last night, apparently too tired to even get out of his clothes, because he’s still dressed --

And apparently too tired to set an alarm. One look out the window tells him the sun is up and has been for a while. He throws himself at the phone on his nightstand, praying to God that it’s not past the deadline. With his breath in his throat, he sees the numbers 11:44. He has just under twenty minutes to send the assignment in.

He throws himself out of bed, yelling at his computer as it takes longer than thirty seconds to start up, anxiously chewing on his nails. He knows that twenty minutes is more than enough to send the assignment in an email to his teacher, but he also knows he can’t rest until it’s done.

He opens up his browser before his computer is ready and quickly types in a short message for his teacher, attaches the file and sends it in without hesitation. The clock on his computer reads 11:51 and he collapses onto the chair in front of his laptop. Not until now does he take a moment to rub the sleep out of his eyes.

He’s okay. He’s on time.

But he can’t shake the feeling that little by little, everything is falling apart.

  
  
  



	5. 5

Jaehwan woke up with a start to his dark apartment. He wasn’t sure what had woken him up, but it was most likely nothing at all. He hadn’t slept well for weeks, waking up to nothing in the middle of the night with his heart pounding, unable to go back to sleep.

It wasn’t until he turned over on his side and saw the light from his phone display before he realized something was different. The name ‘Taekwoon’ and its accompanying heart symbol was flashing on it for the first time in two weeks. It disappeared so fast that Jaehwan thought he might have imagined it, but when he lifted his phone with sleepy hands, he found that it was real; Taekwoon had finally messaged him.

‘ _hey_ ’

followed by an

_‘are you awake?’_

Jaehwan sat up on his bed. He pulled the sheets around his naked torso and brought the phone up to his ear, wasting no time to call his boyfriend. And in the seconds of silence as he waited, his heart raced with equal parts fear and relief.

_“Hello?”_

“Taekwoon,” Jaehwan gasped. “Where the hell have you been?”

_“I’m so sorry. I only got back from Japan this morning, and I--”_

“This morning?” Jaehwan interrupted. “I thought you were supposed to come back three days ago?”

_“Well, that didn’t happen. I just got back this morning and I had a lot to think about.”_

No words would come out. Jaehwan didn’t want to know what he had been thinking about.

_“I don’t think I can be with you anymore.”_

It was too quiet. Too dark. Surreal, like maybe he wasn’t awake at all. But at the same time, it made perfect sense. Familiar, because he had experienced it so many times in his own personal nightmares.

_“I just… I have so much stuff I need to solve. So much stuff I need to work through. I’m going to go see my therapist almost every day from now on to help me do that, and… I hope you understand.”_

Jaehwan found his voice again. “No,” he said, choking on the words. “I don’t understand why that means we can’t be together. I can be there for you, you know? I can help you. I _want_ to help you.” No tears yet. Jaehwan knew he could turn this around, because there was nothing he wouldn’t do for Taekwoon. He could convince him to stay. Of course he could. Nothing else mattered.

_“I’m not going to do anything from now on. No work, no nothing. And I really want to be alone.”_

Jaehwan wondered whether Taekwoon would cry. It was hard to even imagine tears streaming down his cheeks. He was always so stable. So safe.

“Is this forever?” Jaehwan asked. “Do you never want to see me again? Be honest, please.” If Taekwoon got some time alone, maybe he would understand that he needed somebody -- maybe he would understand that he needed Jaehwan -- and Jaehwan could definitely convince --

_“I tried to kill myself in Japan.”_

Jaehwan’s thoughts stopped.

_“I don’t want to think about anything… I’m sorry.”_

“What,” he breathed. Not a question, not even a real word. “Taekwoon… Why didn’t you tell me about any of this?”

_“I don’t want to think. I’m really sorry.”_

Maybe Taekwoon was crying. He sounded desperate not to think or talk, that’s for sure. But Jaehwan had been left by people before, and he had always abided by their wishes and let them go without speaking his mind, and he was not going to let that happen this time. He loved Taekwoon too much for that. Loved him too much to let him leave without knowing what he was throwing away.

“I… I don’t know what to say. I’m glad you won’t continue overworking yourself, but… You shouldn’t isolate yourself either. Taekwoon?”

_“Yeah.”_

“I really… really wish you would have told me about this so that I could have been there for you,” Jaehwan said. He had repeated similar phrases to himself for the past two weeks, convinced by the silence that Taekwoon was about to leave him. “I don’t think you understand how much I love you.” His throat hurt. The words didn’t want to come out. “But if you want to leave me, I’m not going to to try to change your mind.”

_“Can we talk tomorrow?”_

Jaehwan felt as though he was in a car driving at a high speed and suddenly came to a halt. No, not this. Not the silence. They needed to work this out, Jaehwan needed something-- anything-- a small promise for the future that didn’t feel quite as much like Taekwoon disappearing from him forever.

“Uh, sure. I mean, if you want to.”

But Jaehwan was never one to deny Taekwoon anything.

_“It’s just, I took a sleeping pill and I’m really dizzy. It’s hard to understand what you’re saying.”_

“Okay, of course,” Jaehwan said. “Go to sleep. I’ll be here.”

_“Thank you… and I’m so sorry.”_

Jaehwan kept the phone pressed against his ear until he heard the small click of Taekwoon ending the call. Then he checked the time; just past two thirty in the morning. So no hope of getting in touch with Hakyeon, then. He always went to sleep in good time -- something about protecting his skin and staying young forever -- and kept his phone on silent all night. Jaehwan opened their chat room either way and typed him up a small message. Hakyeon had been with Jaehwan for his whole relationship with Taekwoon, helping Jaehwan come to his senses and win over any trust issues that remained from his past. Even when Taekwoon went missing, Hakyeon was there for him, reminding him that literally anything could have happened -- maybe his phone broke? Maybe there was no wifi where he was staying? And Jaehwan, wanting so badly to trust Taekwoon and not let his insecurities spoil their relationship, had done his best to believe him. And it had worked. Most of the time.

_‘He just broke up with me.’_

He put his phone down next to his pillow, with no hope of receiving a response. His room felt too familiar, too safe for the impending despair that was threatening to crash into him. There was nothing he could do but sit there -- and so he did.

What was he supposed to do now that Taekwoon had proven his insecurities right? What now?

 

 

 

Six a.m.. About thirty minutes left before Hakyeon would wake up and hopefully see his message. It didn’t feel like it would help, at the moment, but Jaehwan hadn’t spoken to anybody for the four hours that had passed since his conversation with Taekwoon. And going to sleep was not an option. Every time Jaehwan closed his eyes, something new came to mind -- that time when Jaehwan was sad and tried to hide it from Taekwoon, who eventually scolded him and promised he would never leave him no matter how sad he was. Or all those times when Jaehwan sensed something was wrong with the other and asked about it. Unfailingly, Taekwoon had responded something vague about work-related troubles every time. He was considering selling the restaurant, but was it the right choice? Jaehwan had thought that by talking to him about it, he had helped ease his heart. But it was clear now that it had all been lies. And Jaehwan had wanted so badly to trust him, to believe him, that he ignored all the signs that he was wrong.

And it had brought them here. Taekwoon had tried to kill himself, and Jaehwan didn’t even know there was anything wrong. He wondered, for a moment, which method Taekwoon had used? Did he take pills? He clearly had sleeping pills to go around, at least. Or did he cut himself? Did he draw himself a bath at the hotel and slice his wrists open like in the movies? Or maybe he pulled up a chair in the closet and --

The images in his head were too strong, and they were laced with guilt. What if Jaehwan would have just gotten over himself for a second and made sure he was alright? He loved him so much. How was it possible to love someone so much and be so completely unaware of what they were going through? How could he be such an idiot?

That’s when the tears finally came. Jaehwan picked his earphones up off the floor and stuffed them into his ears. He searched through his phone for that one song Taekwoon had sent him one day and said, ‘ _this song reminds me of you_ ’. He had been in the midst of work that day, and Jaehwan had spent minutes upon minutes feeling giddy about the fact that Taekwoon had taken the time to send him that even though he was so busy. Sure, the singer spoke of a woman. Sure, the lyrics brought up things they hadn’t had the chance to do together yet, but it didn’t matter. The message was clear. Taekwoon loved Jaehwan just as much as Jaehwan loved him.

Then, why didn’t he tell him? To protect him? Maybe because he didn’t trust him? Maybe it was too hard for him? Or maybe, maybe it wasn’t true at all. Maybe he met somebody else and it was simply easier to make something like this up to blame it all on --

Jaehwan cried. He wished Taekwoon wouldn’t have ended their call and explained everything from the beginning to the end. Their beginning. Their end. But he would never tell Taekwoon that.

If only he could go to sleep.

 

 

_‘Jaehwan, oh my god, i am so sorry it took me so long to respond!!! god i feel so bad, how are you?? are you awake? did you get any sleep? are you going to class today??’_

Jaehwan finally smiled when he read Hakyeon’s message a few minutes later. Finally. Something to focus on.

_‘don’t worry about it, i knew you were sleeping. i’m tired, head hurts from crying, but at least now i know, you know? and no, not going to class. not going for the rest of the week. the show must go on, and it will, starting monday, but i need a few days’_

_‘give me half an hour and i’ll be right over okay??’_

_‘don’t you have class?’_

_‘jaehwan. don’t be stupid. see you soon.’_

 

 

He managed to retell the conversation to Hakyeon as well as he could without too many outbursts of crying. Maybe because he had gone over the conversation in his head so many times during the night that he had grown desensitized. When he was done, Hakyeon looked speechless.

“Are you going to meet up later today? To talk?” he asked, his fingers threading through Jaehwan’s hair. He had insisted that Jaehwan get up from his bed for two seconds so that Hakyeon could sit down and have Jaehwan place his head on Hakyeon’s lap.

“I don’t think so. I don’t think I’ll ever get to see him again.”

“Do you want to?”

“Yes.”

Hakyeon gave him a grimace of sympathy. “He only just arrived in Korea yesterday. He may still be traumatized by what happened in Japan, you know. I don’t think he’s in his right mind, so he probably hasn’t thought this all the way through.”

Jaehwan stared up at him. “Are you saying I shouldn’t give up hope?”

A pause. “I’m saying, let’s just see what happens, okay?”

Jaehwan didn’t need Hakyeon to tell him that. He would never give up hope, either way. He couldn’t.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“What do you mean?”

“About him,” Jaehwan said. “I don’t know what to say when we talk, later.” Tears welled up again, choking his voice back. “I don’t want to make anything harder for him, but… he’s not close with his family. He doesn’t tell them things. He doesn’t tell anyone anything.” Tears streamed down the sides of his face into Hakyeon’s jeans. “I’m so worried I feel like I’m -- I feel like I--”

“So tell him that,” Hakyeon hushed him. “Tell him that you need to know that he is safe. Okay?” he wiped the tears off Jaehwan’s face as the other nodded. “That’s the least he can do for you.”

“Okay,” Jaehwan said through a shaky breath. “Okay. I’ll tell him that.”

Hakyeon looked at him, still with that sympathetic look on his face. “Jaehwan… You’re not blaming yourself for any of this, are you?”

Jaehwan rolled over, his face pressing against Hakyeon’s stomach as tears poured again. “Please… I don’t want to talk anymore.”

And though Hakyeon knew he should press the subject, he let it be.

 

 

 

 

 

People were fucking noisy when they drank. Jaehwan knew this before, but he never really felt it until that day. He was sitting alone at a small table at a bar, and at a table a few meters away from him were a group of people around his age, seemingly celebrating someone’s birthday. Cakes and drinks and cheering and singing all around. Jaehwan’s head pounded. On his other side he had a group of what seemed to be Chinese tourists, all engaged in a passionate drinking game that involved a lot of screaming and laughing.

Fucking tourists.

Fucking happy people with happy birthdays.

In fairness, he could have asked Hakyeon to come along and have a little more of a happy time, but he didn’t want to. He wanted to be like a real cliché tonight. Most of all, he wanted to drink until he couldn’t stand. But for all Hakyeon knew, Jaehwan was at home, planning to make it an early night. They had spent almost every waken moment with each other since the break-up, and it had helped, to a certain extent. Not being alone had been a blessing. But Jaehwan needed more, and he knew that. He needed this.

He needed more soju. He pressed the button on the table, and soon enough a server appeared. Any other day he would have prefered beer or a nice cocktail, but tonight he wanted to get wasted. And soju was the best, fastest and cheapest way to achieve that.

The server didn’t seem to find him sitting there all alone downing one shot after the other very strange, but he did receive his fair share of glances and raised eyebrows from other customers. They all left him alone, though. They could most likely all relate in one way or another, he assumed.

It had been four days since they broke up. Four days in which Taekwoon had again become completely unreachable. Which Jaehwan would have understood -- breaking up, in his world, meant ‘get lost’ -- if it wasn’t for the fact that Taekwoon didn’t even open his messages. Maybe he was just blowing Jaehwan off. It was possible. But maybe it was something worse. They had no mutual friends that Jaehwan could ask, and dropping by the restaurant was not an option, given what Taekwoon had said about not working. His social media was all silent. There hadn’t been a single sign of life from Taekwoon in four days.

Maybe that last phone call would be the last time they ever spoke. Jaehwan burned the thought away with another shot of soju.

He picked up his phone from the table and started typing away.

_‘i’m at the usual place, alone. wanna come?’_

And he refused to feel guilty.

 

 

 

Jaehwan was more than a little tipsy when Sandeul walked into the bar. Even if he was able to tell from the way Jaehwan yelled out his greeting the moment they spotted each other, he didn’t mention it.

“Sandeul!” Jaehwan hollered. “Hey, man, it’s good to see you.” Sandeul took Jaehwan’s hand in his in greeting before sinking down in the chair opposite of Jaehwan. “How are you?”

“Good,” Sandeul said. “A bit surprised to hear from you, but good.”

“Yeah, I know,” Jaehwan slurred. “I’m sorry I didn’t keep in touch. Things got so weird.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Sandeul shrugs. “I’m just kind of wondering what brought this on all of a sudden, I guess.”

Jaehwan shows him a brilliant smile. “I decided that nothing is important enough to get in the way of friendship. Or some madness like that.” The memory of Sandeul leaning in for a kiss on that one day, months before, was blurry in his mind.

“Well, whatever madness it is, I’m grateful,” Sandeul laughed. “I missed you, Jaehwan.”

The words felt sticky, like a physical presence on his skin. He smiled through it. “Me too.”

“But you’re sure you’re okay? You know, with what happened between us?”

Jaehwan waved his hand in front of his face and ended up almost slapping himself in the process. “Don’t worry, it’s all in the past.”

Sandeul nodded, though Jaehwan could tell he wasn’t convinced. “If you say so.” He gestured towards one of the empty soju bottles on the table. “Mind if I order in another one of these?”

Jaehwan wanted nothing more.

 

 

When Sandeul, too, had worked up a certain tipsiness, they ended up at a karaoke bar. They both had a thing for singing and knew they would end up there eventually. Jaehwan hadn’t been to one in a long time. He hadn’t felt like it, which in itself was weird for him. And as they entered the cheap coin karaoke place, Jaehwan tried his hardest not to think of someone else, who was also a great singer. Second date. A few drinks, then a karaoke bar. Jaehwan had been tipsy, a little drunk, not completely unlike now. Only, back then, Taekwoon was there to laugh at Jaehwan’s ‘I’m drunk’ and tell him he didn’t believe him.

The coin karaoke rooms were small -- enough for four people if you tried, but perfectly suited for two. Jaehwan and Sandeul stumbled their way into an empty one, earning a suspicious glare from the owner of the place. They squeezed in and sat next to each other on the couch, Sandeul immediately reaching for the remote to search up a song.

“You remember this, right?” he said, typing in the title of up an upbeat dance song. “When we sang it the first time we went to the karaoke together?”

“Of course I remember,” Jaehwan screeched. “Play it, play it! Let’s fucking go.” He got up off the couch, ready to dance the night away in that room where he could barely stand upright.

They had a good time. Jaehwan tried not to think too much. He didn’t look at his phone to try and search for a sign of life from Taekwoon. For once, he got some rest from the constant horror in the back of his mind. And he tried to steer clear of songs that reminded him too much of Taekwoon -- though he suspected he was completely out of tears to cry at that point. He had barely done anything else for four days. He avoided all of the songs he listened to when he lay awake at night.

That is, until the last song.

They had been in there for a good two hours. They had one song remaining, and Jaehwan knew he had to get this out of his system. “This one is really good, have you heard it?” he asked as he typed in the title of a song that spoke of a woman -- sure -- and things he never got to experience.

“I don’t think so,” Sandeul replied. His face was red and his hair was ruffled - quite attractive, if Jaehwan had been looking.

“I think you’ll like it.”

Jaehwan sang. His voice didn’t break. The tempo was slow, and they sat together, Sandeul reading the lyrics as they flashed by on the screen. It felt good, like finally letting out tears that couldn’t be shed through his eyes, and when it ended, Sandeul applauded him.

“You’re right,” he said. “I did like it.”

“I’m glad.” Jaehwan was starting to come out of his drunkenness, and he realized this with a horrified start.

“We’re out of songs,” Sandeul giggled. “And I have no more coins.”

“Yeah.” Jaehwan turned his head to look at his friend, and without thinking, placed his hand on the side of his face, pulling him in for a kiss.

Sandeul pulled away before he got there. “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” he said, leaning away. “What happened to you having a boyfriend and all that jazz?”

“We broke up.”

Sandeul’s eyes widened. “Oh shit, I’m sorry. When?”

Jaehwan hesitated. “A few weeks ago.”

“Oh. Okay.” And Jaehwan could see it on his face, he knew that Sandeul had figured out the reason why Jaehwan had called him to come out tonight: This. He didn’t break their eye contact as he waited for Sandeul’s reaction, prayed for all he was worth that Sandeul would just go along with it, just kiss him, just help him --

And he did. He cradled Jaehwan’s face in his hand and kissed him with such ferocity that he pushed Jaehwan backwards, sliding down onto the seat of the couch. Jaehwan couldn’t help himself; he grabbed onto Sandeul’s hair and kissed back as if he loved him, as if it meant something to him.

“We,” Sandeul panted into Jaehwan’s neck, “we should move.”

Despite never having been to one, Jaewan understood this meant they should go to a motel. “Yeah,” he breathed back, kissing Sandeul once more. “We should.”

They got up from the couch. Sandeul held his hand as they exited the room.

 

 

  
  


 

 

Jaehwan got back to his apartment the next day at almost one p.m.. Tired, hungover and wanting nothing more than to take a nap, he turned the key only to find the door already unlocked. Fearing the worst, he entered the apartment.

Hakyeon was sitting on his bed. Jaehwan sighed in relief before remembering that he had given Hakyeon a key for emergencies. “Hakyeon? What are you doing here? Did something happen?”

Hakyeon stood up from the bed and walked over to Jaehwan, who was taking off his shoes. “Where the hell have you been, Jaehwan?!” he yelled.

“Nowhere. I was out with Sandeul, that’s all.”

“Oh.” Hakyeon’s voice returned to normal, but there was a confused glint in his eyes. “Do you know how worried I was? I tried calling you like a million times.”

“Uh.” Hakyeon’s eyes were wandering over his clothes -- the same ones he saw him wear yesterday. “We were just a bit busy. Sorry.” Jaehwan hurried past him, dumping his bag next to his bed. He kept his back turned, afraid of what Hakyeon might have figured out.

“Jaehwan. You didn’t…” He paused. Jaehwan turned around. “Did you?”

There was no point in denying the truth. Jaehwan nodded. “Yeah. We did.”

“You really slept with him?”

“Yeah.” Jaehwan sat down on the bed. Hopefully Hakyeon would let him get some rest soon. “Not my proudest moment, maybe, but oh well.”

Hakyeon closed his eyes for a moment. “No, no, no, Jaehwan… This is exactly why I wanted to keep you company over the first few days. So that I could stop you from doing something stupid like this. Why did you tell me you were going to stay in?”

“I thought I was,” Jaehwan said. “But then I...  I needed something.”

“Jaehwan, for christ’s sake,” Hakyeon said, taking a few steps closer to the bed. “You know how most guys’ brains work and how sleazy they are! You must know that he used you!”

“I know that,” Jaehwan responded. “I didn’t mind that. And as far as guys go, I think I was the sleazy one last night. It was my initiative. All of it.”

“But you’re emotionally vulnerable right now. That’s how you end up having sex with someone who doesn’t give a shit about you --”

“What makes you think he doesn’t give a shit about me?” Jaehwan asked. He was starting to get annoyed. This was none of Hakyeon’s business, either way.

“I’m talking about _you_ not giving a shit about _him_.”

Jaehwan frowned. “So now you’re saying I used him?”

“Didn’t you?”

They stared at each other. “No, I didn’t. He wanted sex, I wanted sex, so we had sex. I didn’t use anybody.”

Hakyeon shook his head. “Did you even tell him you and Taekwoon broke up?”

“Of course I did.”

“ _Before_ you asked him to see you?”

Jaehwan kept silent.

“Because you thought he wouldn’t show up if he knew you wanted to use him as a rebound,” Hakyeon said. “That’s classic. I can’t believe you.”

“What do you want, Hakyeon?” Jaehwan asked. His eyes were already filling up with tears. “I don’t need this right now. It’s not helping.”

Hakyeon simply stared at him. “And what about Taekwoon?”

“Yeah, what the fuck about him?” Jaehwan had to stop himself from yelling. “He left me. He doesn’t want to be with me. I’m not going to be in some one-sided relationship where I have to stay faithful to someone who left. Fuck that. Okay?”

“How do you think he would feel?” Hakyeon said. “If he found out that you went out and fucked somebody else only a few days after you broke up, as if he meant nothing?”

“Well, maybe he should have thought about that before he left, then, shouldn’t he?”

Jaehwan stood up from the bed. They stared at each other again as silence fell. Jaehwan couldn’t understand why Hakyeon would take Sandeul’s or even Taekwoon’s side when Jaehwan was his best friend, who needed him so badly in this moment.

“I’m only saying this because I care, Jaehwan,” Hakyeon said after a moment of hesitation. “What you did was messed up.”

“Please, Hakyeon,” Jaehwan said, tears now threatening to spill over. “Please, save this for later. I can’t take it. I can’t take anymore. Please. I don’t know what to do.”

“Don’t know what to do?” Hakyeon repeated. He appeared to soften at Jaehwan’s tear filled voice.

“I… I--I haven’t heard a word from Taekwoon since he left me. I haven’t seen a trace of him.” Tears spilled over his cheeks. He did nothing to try and hold them back. “He could be in the hospital, or he could be dead, for all I know. He might have killed himself, and there’s not a single fucking thing I can do to find out.”

Hakyeon nodded slowly. “So you choose to go out and fuck someone else when you’re not even sure if the person you love is still alive.”

Jaehwan sank to the floor. The sobs broke out of his throat before had a chance to stop them -- not that he wanted to. The horror of not knowing whether or not Taekwoon was okay or even alive was too much. Their last conversation replayed in his mind -- he should have said more while he had the chance. Taekwoon did say he had taken pills and was falling asleep, so what if he never planned to wake up the next day? What if that was a second suicide attempt? What if Jaehwan could have saved him by calling for help?

And even then, Jaehwan knew what he would have said if Taekwoon had stayed on the line. He knew, because he had rehearsed the words when waiting for Taekwoon to leave him. _Promise me that you’ll never settle for less,_ he would have said. _Promise me that you’ll never settle for anyone who loves you less than I do. Someone who doesn’t see how amazing you are_. It all seemed so endlessly petty now. What did romance even matter anymore?

Hakyeon kneeled next to him, wrapping his arms around him. He was still there, grounding him, keeping him from disappearing too far into his thoughts. Jaehwan clung to him, even though he didn’t want to be grounded. He didn’t want to be on this floor, in this apartment, in this city, in any place where Taekwoon had ever set his foot in his lifetime -- or in this skin, which Taekwoon had touched, kissed, made love to. Jaehwan had never hated himself more than he did in that moment.

  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for this one, guys. I'm not one to sugarcoat things, so please take it seriously.

The sun is shining, spring is on its way, cherry blossom season is about to begin - and most importantly, it’s Friday, and Jaehwan’s tests are finally over. In between studying his brains out and trying to get a decent amount of sleep, Jaehwan hasn’t even opened his dating app for several days. He hasn’t seen or slept with anybody since tattoo boy - his name is already starting to blur in his mind - not that it was more than a week ago. And no matter how much he wants to get back on the horse, he hasn’t forgotten the promise he made to his mother: the promise to come see her today, once his tests are over. 

The main street of Sinchon is busy, bustling to the point where he has to squeeze through the crowd on his way home. As it always is on Fridays. Beneath the tiredness in his head, Jaehwan thinks that maybe if he claims he has an assignment, he can be back in Sinchon by tomorrow evening to blow off some steam. He assigns no more than one second to the thought that he would choose sex with strangers over seeing his own family, and then he leaves it behind. 

He’s a young man in the prime of his life, he thinks as he’s almost run over by a group of teenagers in a hurry. He’s supposed to want sex. And if he’s a little bit addicted, then so what? It’s the most important instinct of the human body. It’s not like repressing his urges would do any-- 

“Jaehwan?” 

His thoughts come to a halt, and he looks to his right to see Sandeul sitting on a bench by the side of the street. “Oh. Hey.” He remains where he’s standing, arms awkwardly hanging at his sides. They have barely spoken since the night they had sex. 

Sandeul gestures towards Jaehwan’s backpack. “Just out of class?”

“Yeah. You?” 

He shakes his head. “Nah, no class on Fridays. Just waiting for some friends to go have an early dinner and see a movie.” 

“Oh.” Looking at Sandeul is uncomfortable. Jaehwan can still feel the hangover that followed their night together, even though it’s several months ago. He suddenly feels very aware of all the texts from the other he has ignored since then, though he doesn’t pay them a lot of thought on a normal day. “Well,” he says, stretching awkwardly, “enjoy your movie.” 

He makes to leave when Sandeul stands up. “Jaehwan, wait.” And he does, eyes locked on the ground. “I actually… I’ve been hoping I’d run into you at some point. See, I want to talk to you about something.” 

“Okay.” Jaehwan grasps the straps of his bag. Whatever’s coming, he has a feeling he doesn’t want to hear it. 

Sandeul hesitates. He gestures to the empty bench behind him. “Do you want to sit down for a bit?” 

“Just get to the point,” Jaehwan says. “I don’t really have a lot of time.” He doesn’t mean for it to sound so harsh. But he’s afraid. 

Sandeul’s eyebrows shoot up for a second. “Figures,” he says, tone now cold. “Okay then. I just wanted to ask… You know, things have been weird since… that time.” Jaehwan glances at the waves of people moving past them. “And I was wondering if I… did something wrong. To make you ignore me like you have.” 

“I’m not ignoring you.” Sandeul rolls his eyes. “We’re talking now, aren’t we?” 

“Just… just answer the question.” 

Jaehwan sighs, gaze falling everywhere but on Sandeul. “Listen,” he says, with absolutely no idea how to continue. “It’s… It’s not something you did. Things have just been weird for me since then. A bit.” 

“Okay?” 

Jaehwan wills his mind to come up with something to say. The truth is, Jaehwan doesn’t feel much of anything about the situation. Not anymore. Even the guilt is gone now. “I just-- that night shouldn’t have happened.”

Sandeul frowns. “O...kay. Well, I don’t know what to say about that. I thought you wanted it.” 

“I was so drunk that night,” Jaehwan says, just to say something. “I kind of feel a bit taken advantage of.”

“Taken advantage of?” Sandeul repeats. “You practically threw yourself on me. And as you may remember, I was wasted as well. I didn’t take advantage of you any more than you did of me.” 

Jaehwan snorts. “I thought  _ you  _ wanted it.” 

“I did, but I wanted to be on the same page as you! If I had known that you would cut off all contact the next day, I would never have gone with it. I actually gave a shit about you, you know.” 

People are starting to look now that Sandeul has raised his voice. “Sandeul, come on. You knew that I had just been dumped and how emotional I was --”

“You told me it had been several weeks since Taekwoon broke up with you,” Sandeul says, voice cold. 

“I only said that so that you would--” 

Jaehwan stops himself. 

“So that I would what?” Sandeul asks. He sounds empty now. “Come see you? Have sex with you and not question your intentions?” 

Jaehwan doesn’t know. “That’s not--”

“You heartless, manipulative piece of shit,” Sandeul says, and Jaehwan finally lifts his gaze to look him in the eyes. “What is wrong with you?”

“Oh, don’t give me any of that shit,” Jaehwan spits. “Like you’re so fucking innocent. Hey, remember that time you tried to kiss me even though you knew full and well I already had a boyfriend? Where do you get off judging me?” 

“I’m not the one who uses people who care about me for sex and throws them away the next day!” 

Jaehwan takes a step closer. “Will you lower your fucking voice?”

“Will you stop trying to avoid the fucking problem?” Sandeul hisses back at him. They stare at each other. Jaehwan has nothing to say. “You knew how I feel about you…”

“It’s not my fucking problem if you expected me to give you something I never promised you.” Jaehwan considers just turning around and walking away, but then he feels the anger rushing through his head. “And yes, I know how you feel about me. I saw how you liked me so much that you tried to ruin the happiness I found with someone who wasn’t you. That was real selfless of you.” 

Their silence is swallowed by the crowd moving beside them. Jaehwan wishes he’d get swept along with it. “That’s great,” Sandeul says, calmer now. “Hold onto that one mistake I made in order to justify your own cruelty. I see what kind of a person you are now.”

Jaehwan says nothing. Leave, then, he thinks. If I’m such a horrible person, then go. Nobody’s forcing you to stay.

And then Sandeul brushes past him. “Never contact me again,” he says as he walks away. “Even if you do feel like apologizing someday.” 

“Don’t you worry about that,” Jaehwan calls after him. Sandeul shows no reaction, no sign of having heard him at all. He’s headed off in the same direction Jaehwan needs to go, and he doesn’t want to follow him, so he just stands there, watching Sandeul get swallowed by the crowd with his pulse drumming in his ears. 

His skin itches. Without a second thought, he turns around and heads into a smaller side street, barely able to see in front of him as he storms into a small convenience store. There’s barely enough room to move in there and everything smells like seaweed, but it doesn’t matter. He finds two bottles of unflavored soju -- an unfavorable taste but incredibly potent -- and hurries over to the cashier. He pays no attention to the man’s annoyed expression when he throws his ID card on the counter; he can’t. And when the man hands him the two bottles back in a plastic bag, he heads out the door without a word.

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As soon as he steps into his apartment, he unscrews the cap on one of the bottles and downs half of it in one shot. It’s strong, the taste is bitter and makes him gag immediately, but it doesn’t stop him. He needs this. 

He throws his keys on a chair next to the door and sinks down on the floor, still in his jacket, bottle in hand, lights off. Sandeul gets to be the one who storms off? After everything that’s happened, Sandeul gets to pass judgement on him, as if he knows Jaehwan even remotely? Nobody does. Jaehwan may be a shitty person, but he never claimed to be anything else. And he never will again. 

He takes another swing from the bottle. Seeing it as he hasn’t even had lunch yet, it should take effect quickly. He needs to cleanse his mind. And as the minutes tick by, as the hands on the clock above the door start bending, twisting and contorting and he drinks the seconds straight from his bottle, an idea starts forming in his mind. He knows exactly what he needs to do to make this go away. He needs to see the one person who would be desperate enough to want to meet Jaehwan at any given time. 

  
  
  
  


 

 

 

 

 

The bar is dimly lit with late nineties and early two thousands pop hits playing loudly through the speakers. There’s a small bowl of pretzel shaped snacks on the table, and Sanghyuk can’t seem to keep his hands out of it for more than five seconds at a time. His expression is uncomfortable, his eyes staring out the window as he chews. The faint smell of the barbecue they had a few minutes earlier still lingers around him.

“Are you okay?”

Sanghyuk’s eyes find him at the question. “Yeah, sure,” he says, finally pushing the bowl away. They just ordered their drinks, so they should be here any minute. “I’m just… a little confused about why you called me, all of a sudden. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s nice and all, but…” 

Jaehwan stares down at the table with a smile. He knew this was coming, and as such, he came prepared. “Honestly,” he says, putting on his best bashful smile, “I wanted to apologize. For the way I’ve treated you lately.” Sanghyuk looks sincerely surprised. “I was overwhelmed and stressed out by schoolwork, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I’m sorry.”

“Okay…” Sanghyuk says, confusion obvious in his voice. “It’s okay, I guess.” 

Jaehwan pushes harder. “We had so many good times together, you know? It would be a shame if all that just went to waste because of one mistake, don’t you think?” 

“Of course I do.” Sanghyuk’s hand twitches on the table, almost as if he wishes to reach out and take Jaehwan’s in his own. “You know that I -- how I feel.” 

What is it with these boys and thinking they know Jaehwan? He smiles. “I’m glad you came to see me. How have you been?” 

“Well, you know,” Sanghyuk says. His expression is more relaxed now. “School has been crazy for me, too.” He tells Jaehwan about all the different assignments and tests he needs to take -- he’s in medical school, Jaehwan has gathered that much over the time they’ve known each other. He nods in sympathy. 

“Sounds like we both could use some stress relief,” he says. A few seconds of confident eye contact and one mischievous eyebrow raise later, and Sanghyuk laughs for the first time tonight. The waiter approaches their table with their drinks, and yes, Jaehwan thinks; he’s got this in the bag. 

  
  


 

“I missed you, Jaehwan,” Sanghyuk says a few soju cocktails later. He’s not quite slurring yet, but soon; he’s drunk, but so is Jaehwan. He needs to be, in order to pull this off. Even Jaehwan has to admit that they’re having quite a nice time, reminiscing about the (surprisingly many) dates they’ve gone on, all the places they’ve been together, all the songs they’ve sung. “I was so lonely when you were gone.” 

The first time the two of them met, several months ago at this point, it was through the same dating app Jaehwan still uses. Back then, Jaehwan was merely using it to see what it would feel like to meet someone after Taekwoon, and Sanghyuk was his first attempt. They went to a bar much like the one they’re in now, one that Sanghyuk visited often and that played Jaehwan’s favorite music. They had tequila, and sooner rather than later, Sanghyuk was sitting next to him, hand wandering over his shoulders and arms as he kissed him with a fervor Jaehwan himself couldn’t muster. “It’s been six months since I last had sex,” Sanghyuk whispered, while it hadn’t been more than a few days since Jaehwan slept with Sandeul. “Let’s go somewhere more private, yeah?” He moved Jaehwan’s hand to feel his hardened cock through his pants, “I’m already ready,” and Jaehwan had felt absolutely nothing. No thoughts other than ‘those must have been some painful six months’. But he hadn’t said no. And when they got into the taxi together, Jaehwan had caught a peek of one of the kakaotalk conversations on Sanghyuk’s phone. ‘ _ I’m bagging the guy with the cocksucking lips _ ,’ read the message he sent to his friends, and Jaehwan said nothing. He felt like an object, but strangely, he didn’t mind. 

And what he knew from the start, he still feels now, when Sanghyuk sits in front of him and tells him he was lonely without Jaehwan. Because Sanghyuk’s loneliness has nothing to do with Jaehwan. It has to do with not having anybody. Jaehwan is merely a personification of that feeling. An objectification. And that sounds more seductive now than ever before. 

He coos, reaching across the table to hold Sanghyuk’s hand. “Can you forgive me?” he asks. “For how I treated you?” 

“Come on,” Sanghyuk says, shaking his head and clasping Jaehwan’s hand with both of his. “You know I already have.” 

“But don’t you wish…” Jaehwan looks up from the table to meet Sanghyuk’s eyes for a second. “No, never mind.” 

“Don’t I wish what?” Curiosity shines through Sanghyuk’s eyes.

“I just… I just wondered if you don’t wish you could… get back at me for it?” 

Sanghyuk blinks at him. “What do you mean?” 

Jaehwan fights to keep his face innocent. The arousal is already starting to hit him. “You know… put my in my place.” He extends his leg under the table and allows his foot to lightly graze Sanghyuk’s shin. 

No more than a few moments pass before Sanghyuk leans his leg into his touch. “What are you saying?”

Jaehwan lets out a chuckle. He bites softly into his cocksucking lip as he pretends to consider his words. “Don’t you wish I would make it up to you? Let you hold me down and do whatever you want to me?” 

He can tell from the way Sanghyuk’s gaze falls from his eyes to his lips and back up again that it’s working. He keeps moving his foot as Sanghyuk tilts his head. “Hm,” he says with a smile. “Is this some kind of…” He trails off, looking for the right word.

“Rape fetish?” Jaehwan fills in. The word doesn’t taste as unfamiliar to him any longer. “Maybe.” 

Sanghyuk takes a deep breath. “You’re saying you want me to…” 

“I’m saying you can do whatever you want to me,” Jaehwan almost whispers. “If you’re willing. Are you?” He can’t imagine anything else; Sanghyuk was always dominant when they had sex in the past. 

And sure enough, as Jaehwan hold his gaze and lets his foot travel up to Sanghyuk’s knee, the other nods immediately. “Yes. Yes, god, yes.” 

Jaehwan smiles, already feeling himself grow hard. “Let’s order one more round, and then go. What do you say?” 

  
  
  


 

 

Sanghyuk never takes that last drink, stating that he doesn’t want to be too drunk to have sex. Jaehwan, on the other hand, doesn’t care if he can’t get hard, doesn’t care if he can’t come; all he wants is for Sanghyuk to treat him the way he deserves. So he orders in a cocktail but ends up downing it in less than five minutes due to his own impatience, and then they’re off to find a motel.

It takes them a long time to find one with free rooms -- Friday nights are always insanely busy for horny people -- but when they do, Jaehwan is still drunk off his rocker. The moment they enter their room, Jaehwan throw himself down on his back on the bed, his arms stretched above his head. His head spins, and he laughs -- everything seems to be moving in slow motion. He’s vaguely aware of Sanghyuk closing the door and removing his shoes and jacket, and Jaehwan looks up at him, sight blurry. “Come on,” he says with a silly smile on his face. “Come over here and make me yours.” 

Sanghyuk doesn’t need to be told twice. He’s on top of Jaehwan within two seconds, kissing him hard. Jaehwan closes his eyes.

“Do you really want to do this?” Sanghyuk asks. He looks a little worried. It puts Jaehwan off. He arches up, letting Sanghyuk feel his hardness through his pants. 

“More than you know,” he pants before pulling Sanghyuk down into another kiss. “Do whatever you want to me. Please.” 

Sanghyuk nods. Before Jaehwan even knows what hit him, he’s flipped over onto his stomach, and Sanghyuk is pulling at his pants. “Take your shirt off,” he orders. “Now, slut.” 

Jaehwan’s skin crawls with goosebumps at the words. He does as he’s told, clumsily pulling his shirt over his head. Almost at the same time, Sanghyuk removes his pants with such force that Jaehwan almost falls off the bed. He clings to the sheets, whimpers already falling out of his mouth. “Get on all fours.” Sanghyuk walks around the bed as Jaehwan does as he’s told before stepping on it and getting on his knees in front of Jaehwan. “You’re going to suck my cock now. If I feel teeth or any kind of resistance, I’m going to slap those pretty lips off your face, do you hear?” Jaehwan nods, achingly hard. Sanghyuk grabs a fistful of Jaehwan’s hair before forcing his cock into his mouth, and Jaehwan closes his eyes, focusing on opening his mouth as wide as possible to let Sanghyuk have his way with him. Finally, he gets what he’s needed for days. Sanghyuk thrusts into his mouth a few times before pulling out and slapping Jaehwan hard across the face. “What did I say about teeth?” he demands, and Jaehwan apologizes profusely as tears fill his eyes. Sanghyuk fills his mouth once more, and Jaehwan holds back his gags. “There you go,” Sanghyuk groans as he starts fucking his mouth again. “Show me what you’re good for.” 

He holds Jaehwan’s head in place until Jaehwan’s neck starts aching with strain, and then suddenly he stills, with his cock still in Jaehwan’s mouth. “Look at you,” he says, before slapping Jaehwan’s face again. “A perfect little toy. You want to get fucked now, do you? You must be desperate for it. Desperate little slut.” He slaps him again, and Jaehwan feels like crying with arousal. Sanghyuk pulls out and Jaehwan barely has time to nod before he’s pushed down flat on his stomach on the bed.

Sanghyuk hurries to prepare him, slicking his fingers up with lubricant and wasting no time to push them into him. He’s going too fast and too strong, and Jaehwan whines at the pain, but doesn’t protest. They haven’t discussed dos and don’ts beforehand, but Jaehwan loves that, too. Finally, someone who’s willing to do exactly what they want with no concern for Jaehwan’s feelings. “What’s that?” Sanghyuk hisses in his ear. “Does it hurt? You want me to stop?” Jaehwan merely moans as Sanghyuk picks up the pace. “Tough luck, whore. You’re mine. My toy.” 

Jaehwan buries his fingers in the sheets as Sanghyuk pushes into him. It hurts, it burns, and Jaehwan loves it. Sanghyuk groans, loud and long, more animalistic than Jaehwan has ever heard him before. The thought makes him want it even more. “Yes,” Sanghyuk pants as he picks up his pace and starts fucking Jaehwan with no hesitation. Jaehwan mewls, losing himself in the feeling of being owned, used, taken, less than human. Sanghyuk slaps him again, this time hitting part of his ear as well due to the awkward angle, and immediately there’s a ringing in Jaehwan’s head. He slaps him again, again, again, and Jaehwan’s face burns, he can’t help but moan and whine as he’s already close to coming.  Sanghyuk grabs his throat with one hand, squeezing hard until no sound can make its way past Jaehwan’s lips, and he’s dizzy, not sure whether it’s because of the alcohol, the slaps to his face or the lack of oxygen. He doesn’t care. It feels amazing. 

Sanghyuk lets go, and Jaehwan pants for air. He almost screams with pleasure as Sanghyuk picks up his pace further. Then, suddenly, Sanghyuk pulls out and flips Jaehwan over onto his stomach. His cock slides back into him in no time, and Sanghyuk grabs Jaehwan’s wrists in one hand to pin them down on the bed. With the other, he slaps Jaehwan again, once, twice, three times, and then there’s a punch to his head that has Jaehwan yelping in pain. 

“Does it hurt?” Sanghyuk says, a taunt, not out of concern. “Tell me it hurts.” He hits him again. “I said, tell me it hurts.”

“It hurts.”

Another punch. “Again.” 

“It hurts,” Jaehwan cries. His head is starting to feel heavy. “Wait…” 

“Yeah, whore, want me to stop?”

He feels very drunk all of a sudden. “Just, just-- hold on…”

“Try and stop me. Try it and see what happens.” 

Sanghyuk’s hands are back around Jaehwan’s throat, and Jaehwan grabs at them with his own, trying to pry them off, but it seems all the strength is gone from his body. 

“Can’t do it, can you?” Sanghyuk taunts. Jaehwan looks up into his eyes. He’s still playing, Jaehwan can tell, but Jaehwan is not. He still wants this, he’s sure, but he needs a second to regroup. “You’re nothing but a fuckhole. You know that, don’t you?” He lets go, and Jaehwan coughs, gasping for air. “Tell me to stop.” 

Jaehwan feels something like panic start to well up. 

“Tell me.”

“Stop,” Jaehwan says weakly, because he knows there’s no use. 

Sanghyuk fucks him harder. 

“Now tell me you love me.”

Jaehwan’s breath catches in his throat. “What? No…” 

“Say it, slut, or I’ll choke the life out of you.” 

“Sanghyuk,” Jaehwan pleads, hands now desperately pressing against Sanghyuk’s torso to stop him. Sanghyuk’s fist lands in Jaehwan’s face. His bottom lip splits open and Jaehwan can’t breathe through the pain. 

“Tell me you love me.” 

“Sanghyuk, stop, please--” 

Another punch. This time his cheek burns. “Say. It.”

“I love you,” Jaehwan sobs. 

Sanghyuk moans. “Again.” 

Tears fill Jaehwan’s eyes when Sanghyuk lands another punch in his face. 

“I said again. Do you want me to knock you unconscious?”

“I love you,” Jaehwan repeats, tears now streaming down his face.

And with that, Sanghyuk grips his shoulders, thrusts into him a few more times before stilling, breaths coming out in short puffs of air as he comes.

  
  
  


 

Jaehwan rolls to his side the moment Sanghyuk gets up to dispose of the condom. He touches his lip and feels a shockwave of something unidentified as he looks at his fingers and finds them reddened by blood. Still dizzy, he pulls himself to the side of the bed and gets up on shaky legs. For a second he thinks he’s going to fall, grabs the bed and pushes himself upright just as Sanghyuk gets back under the sheets. 

“You okay there?” Sanghyuk laughs. The sound seems too large to fit in Jaehwan’s head as he straightens his back, staring down at the boy in front of him.

“What… What the hell did you just do?” Jaehwan breathes. His whole body aches. His fingers trace the places where Sanghyuk’s nails cut into his neck. 

“What?” Sanghyuk asks, immediately defensive. “You said you wanted it.”

“Not… not like that,” Jaehwan croaks. The tears have already stopped. And there’s nothing to say. 

Sanghyuk sits, his back leaned against the headboard as he stares at Jaehwan. “Was I… too rough?” 

Jaehwan says nothing, but finds his discarded pants and underwear and starts putting them on. “Are you leaving?” Jaehwan still says nothing, but balances on wobbly legs as he gets dressed. “You told me to do whatever I wanted,” Sanghyuk argues. “You didn’t say I couldn’t…” But Jaehwan can’t say anything. Can’t look at him. Doesn’t want to produce a single thought that will remind him that he is alive in this moment. He finds his white t-shirt in a pile on the floor and pulls it over his head. Blood from his bottom lip catches on the inside and leaves a stain. 

“Is this part of your little rape fantasy, too?” Sanghyuk says, voice full of venom. “Playing the victim?” 

Jaehwan puts his shoes on. The words cut through him, but he understands. He understands the need to attack when you can’t own up to your own mistakes. He has no strength to say anything more, so he puts his jacket on and walks out the door. 

When he walks home, he thinks of colors. Red for stop, green for go, yellow for chill. It was funny, exciting even, when they were said in Hongbin’s voice. It feels like a lifetime ago. Because now, nothing’s the same. Now red is for blood, green is for old bruises, and yellow is for the stars that dance around his head as he collapses into his bed.

  
  
  
  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday morning. Jaehwan stands in the bathroom, staring at himself in the bathroom mirror. His bottom lip is broken and bloodied, one of his eyes is swollen and covered by a black eye and his entire face bruised. There are red and purple marks around his neck, crimson in the places where Sanghyuk’s half-moon nails cut through his skin. In short, he’s a complete wreck. And he knows just by looking at himself that there is no way these bruises and cuts will be gone by the time he has to go back to school on Monday morning. He needs to make up some type of a story for the curious eyes and worried questions he will receive -- but not now. That will have to wait. 

He slept for twelve long hours last night, but he might as well have fallen into a coma. He feels anything but human -- an object, maybe? The thought makes him smile for a moment until his busted lip stings, but there’s no joy in it. Only awe and incredulousness at his own stupidity. Just when he thought he couldn’t hate himself any more. 

He wishes the darkness within him could solidify and fill his empty spaces up with  _ something _ . But you have no right to be upset about this, he calmly tells his distressed reflection -- you wanted this. You asked for it. If this wasn’t what you wanted, then why did you keep putting yourself in situations where this was a risk? You know this is exactly what you wanted. You wanted somebody to hurt you when you couldn’t hurt yourself. 

He calls Hakyeon. It takes four long rings before he picks up, and when does, he sounds cheerful. 

“ _ Hello _ ?”

“Hakyeon. It’s me.” 

_ “Jaehwan? What’s wrong?” _

Jaehwan almost smiles at the notion that his best friend is so in tune with his emotions that he can instantly tell when something is wrong. “Uhm,” he says. “I need… I need to talk to you.”

_ “Okay,” _ Hakyeon says, worry clear in his voice.  _ “Well, I’m with Ryeowook and some of the other seniors at our regular café, do you want to come?” _

“Can you… Can you come to my place? I’m sorry to ask. But I just can’t… I just can’t come outside right now.” 

_ “Jaehwan, did something happen?”  _

“Kind of.” Jaehwan casts an eye at his reflection again. He looks as if he’s been hit by a truck. He can only imagine what Hakyeon’s reaction will be when he sees him. “But let’s… let’s talk when we meet.” 

There’s rustling on the other end while Hakyeon hesitates.  _ “Let me call you back in a minute, okay?”  _

“Okay.” 

_ “You  _ are  _ okay, right?” _

Jaehwan sighs. “Talk to you soon.” 

He ends the call. Alone with his reflection again. Alone with his actions. And his thoughts pick up right where he left them: No, he didn’t want to get hurt. He didn’t want to hurt himself. That’s not the kind of person he is -- he was never self-destructive. He never hated himself. Not him, not Jaehwan. Why would he? 

But when his mind rushes to offer thousands of reasons why, he avoids his own eyes. Those bruises. The blood. They weren’t truly caused by Sanghyuk’s hand. They are his own doing. 

His phone rings. The sound cuts through his eardrums. He picks up without even looking at the phone. 

“Hello.”

_ “Hey, Jaehwan. It’s Jaegwan.”  _

The sound of his brother’s voice feels like a slap across the face, and he unknowingly straightens his back where he stands. No time for bullshit. “Oh,” he says. “Hey.” 

_ “Do you have some time? I wanted to talk to you about something.” _

“Actually,” Jaehwan says, “now isn’t the best time.” 

_ “Weird,” _ says his brother.  _ “That’s exactly what I thought you would say.” _ Jaehwan blinks in confusion, but says nothing.  _ “I’ll just say what I have to say and leave you to it, okay?” _

“Okay…” 

_ “I don’t know what you’re doing recently, if there’s a problem, or if something’s just got you busy. But to be honest, I don’t really care anymore.” _ Jaehwan frowns, but then it hits him like a freight train -- he was supposed to come home last night.  _ “I personally feel inclined to not give a shit about a brother who in turn doesn’t give a shit about his family, but I have to watch our mother go through so much pain because of you. And I’m tired of it.” _

“Oh, I’m-- God, Jaegwan, I’m so sorry. I know I was supposed to come see you guys yesterday but I just-- I-- I found out that I… misread the schedule and our tests didn’t actually end this week-- they go on until Monday so I still have a lot of studying to do and-- I just forgot to call. I’m so sorry.” 

His brother sighs deeply on the other end. _ “Right. Well. In that case, will you come home on Monday? Please give me a yes, so I have  _ some  _ good news to give to our mother.”  _

Jaehwan looks at his reflection in the mirror again. If he goes home on Monday, they will see. They will know there’s something Jaehwan hasn’t told them. And no matter what happens, they can never find out. 

His brother waits for a few seconds while Jaehwan hesitates, but then he gives up.  _ “You know what, fine, Jaehwan. I’m done with trying to make you give a shit. Have a good weekend while I sit at home watching our mother cry because her youngest piece of shit son can’t even bring himself to pick up the fucking phone once a month.” _ And with that, the line goes dead. 

The bruises on his face are his own doing, sure. But he never wanted it to end with him getting hurt. Somewhere, deep inside, he wanted Sanghyuk to go all the way and take his life, so that Jaehwan could finally go, free of blame and guilt. 

 

There are tears running down his cheeks when Hakyeon unlocks his door. “Jaehwan? Are you here?” he calls, and Jaehwan makes his way out from the bathroom to greet him. “I tried to call, but the line was…”

He falls silent as he sees Jaehwan’s battered face. And before long, Jaehwan finds himself in his embrace, crying into the collar of his shirt. 


	7. 7

“I don’t know what to say. I’m just… shocked that all of this went on right in front of me and I had no idea.” Hakyeon reaches out a hand across Jaehwan’s kitchen table while Jaehwan lets his lie lifeless on top of it. It feels weird, sitting here with Hakyeon. Official. Like a meeting. Then again, this might be the first time they hold a conversation so serious. “And it’s been going on…”

“For four months.” 

“Four months,” Hakyeon repeats with a nine-yard stare. 

“It… it was like an addiction,” Jaehwan tries when Hakyeon seems too speechless. “Looking back, I think I didn’t enjoy any part of it other than…” He looks up into Hakyeon’s attentive face before his eyes dart away. “It’s not something I did for my own pleasure, I mean.” His cheeks heat up. Seems a bit late to become all bashful now. 

“I get it,” Hakyeon says. “I mean, I don’t  _ get  _ it, but I understand.” He pauses, and Jaehwan fidgets. “And if… if you’ve been doing this for four months, that means you started just after you and Taekwoon broke up.” 

The words hit Jaehwan like a slap in the face. It’s true, but it doesn’t feel relevant. Taekwoon hasn’t been on his mind a lot over the past few months -- mostly because he hasn’t allowed himself to think much about him. And that itself makes it feel worse. “It’s not because of him.”

“Isn’t it?” Hakyeon asks, and Jaehwan can hear subtle disbelief in his voice. 

“It’s not… it’s not because I lost him,” Jaehwan tries again. “It’s because I couldn’t stand feeling like I wasn’t enough.” It clicks in his mind almost as he says it. “I loved him beyond what I thought was humanly possible, but he never trusted me the way I thought he did. He left the moment things got difficult for him.” Tears start to sting in Jaehwan’s eyes, and he does nothing to stop them. Hakyeon’s hand squeezes his. “And I’ll never know if he actually loved me the way he said he did. If what we had was as special to him as it was to me, or if his ultimate goal was just to get me into bed.” 

“I don’t believe that,” Hakyeon says with a shake of his head. Jaehwan merely shrugs. “I know that me saying that doesn’t help, and I know that’s not the point, either way. But Jaehwan, even if it was…” He trails off, sighing deeply. “Let’s assume for a second that what you just said is true. Let’s say that he lied about everything, that he never loved you, that he just wanted you for sex. That he was planning on dumping you from the start.” 

“O...kay.” 

“Even if he did, that means  _ nothing  _ for the person you are. If that was what he wanted, he could have chosen  _ anybody  _ to do that to.” 

Jaehwan squints as he tries to follow Hakyeon’s point. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean, that doesn’t mean that you aren’t good enough. Just because he didn’t want your love doesn’t mean you have nothing to offer. Just because he didn’t want you, it doesn’t mean that you are undesirable or that you’re not enough. To put it harshly, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s about him and his issues while you just got caught in the crossfire.” 

Jaehwan hesitates. It would feel good to believe in Hakyeon’s words, he has to admit, but it doesn’t seem realistic to him. 

“I don’t believe that he didn’t love you,” Hakyeon continues before Jaehwan says anything. “I think he loved you desperately but his own problems got the better of him. But no matter the reason, my point is that he doesn’t get to define you. Him leaving doesn’t change who you are as a person, you know?” He squeezes Jaehwan’s hand again. “I was right there next to you through your whole relationship. I saw how much you loved him and how hard you tried for him. And no, it wasn’t enough to stop his depression, because that’s impossible. That’s something he needs to do for himself. But the fact that you couldn’t do the impossible doesn’t mean that what you did wasn’t amazing or that you shouldn’t be proud of yourself for doing it. You have so much love to offer, Jaehwan, which is one of the best things about you. He hasn’t taken that away. You just need to find your way back to it again.” 

“Maybe,” Jaehwan says through his tears. And it’s an improvement. 

Hakyeon smiles at him from across the table. It’s strange to see on Hakyeon’s face, because it isn’t a happy smile. Not like him at all. But Jaehwan understands perfectly well what it means. 

“I wish you would have told me,” Hakyeon says then, serious again. 

“I wish I had, too,” Jaehwan says. Maybe not entirely true, because he would have been so ashamed, but he sure wishes things had been different. Feeling like an object is not something he could have ever explained to anybody -- least of all when he felt like part of it, or all of it, was his own fault.

“This ends now, Jaehwan. You understand that, right?” 

Tears are still running down his cheeks as he nods, reluctantly. It has to stop. He knows that. This may not be rock bottom, but it sure as hell is close enough. “I know.”

“Give me your phone.” 

“What?”

“I’m deleting that damn app off your phone.” 

Jaehwan pulls his hands back and unconsciously covers the phone in his pocket. “Hakyeon…”

“Why not?” Hakyeon asks. “What good could possibly come from keeping it installed?” 

Nothing, undoubtedly. But Jaehwan can’t help but feel some sense of separation anxiety at the thought of losing his one chance at an escape. The thought of not having it there to offer him a way out from his self-destruction scares him. Even so, the temptation needs to go. He sighs. “I’ll do it myself,” he says, and pulls out his phone.

“Let me see,” says Hakyeon and leans over the table. Jaehwan glares at him through his tears, slightly annoyed, but he understands why Hakyeon doesn’t trust him. And he knows that that’s something he will have to deal with over the coming months. He uninstalls the app in silence under Hakyeon’s watchful eye. Once it’s gone, he puts the phone down on the table and runs his hands over his tear-stained face. 

“There. It’s done.”

“Good,” Hakyeon says, leaning back. “Only steps up from here on out, okay?” More tears spill down Jaehwan’s face. He doesn’t know why. “No more pushing yourself down or hurting yourself over someone else’s mistakes.” 

And though he is thankful for Hakyeon’s optimism, Jaehwan wonders if it will ever be possible to close his mind on all those thoughts, all those feelings he opened himself up to. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

 

 

 

It’s finally warm out. Cherry blossoms have bloomed and withered, come and made place for an early summer. Though most of them have been taken away by spring winds, some of their delicate, pink leaves still linger on either sides of the street. Jaehwan stares at them through the bus window, squinting at the bright light reflected in the glass. He didn’t put a jacket on this morning; a first for this year. Now he wishes he was wearing one, that he had a worn sleeve to poke at just to keep his hands busy, but he knows he doesn’t need it.

He lets his thoughts roam. Most of them head back to cold winter months of doing anything to keep his thoughts quiet, and he watches them as if he stands outside himself, observing Jaehwan as if he was a stranger. To think his mind, his body was capable of such things. To think there was a part of him like that buried somewhere deep beneath his skin. Was it always there, sleeping? Is there a way to put it back to sleep now that it has awakened? Will this part of him always remain, waiting for him to finally ruin himself completely? 

He watches his reflection in the window, and he doesn’t know. But at least this part of him seems less like a hole now, wide and gaping and threatening to swallow him whole, and more like a mute piece of flesh, squirming and straining to make Jaehwan hear its silent cries. He sees it, but he doesn’t touch it. It doesn’t touch him. And that’s more than enough for now. Plus, what Hakyeon told him that day at his kitchen table rings more true to him now. He looks the same as he always has. He still laughs the same, talks the same and walks the same. The glint in his eyes is unchangeable. So no matter how much damage he did to himself, he could never destroy the person he is. That is neither for him nor anyone else to touch. 

He gives a small smile, the same joyless one that Hakyeon showed him that day across the table. It means, short and simple, “maybe we aren’t okay now, but we will be”. Then he pushes the ‘stop’ button, grabs his bag and gets up from his seat. 

  
  


The GPS on his phone guides him to where he needs to be. The air is pleasant -- as pleasant as it can be in a enormous city like Seoul -- and even when he reaches his destination, he doesn’t want to go inside. He stares at the sign above the entrance before closing his eyes and basking in the sunlight. He is ready. And with that thought, he steps over his uncertainty and goes inside. 

He doesn’t look around, but heads straight to the reception desk without giving himself a chance to hesitate. “Hello,” he says to the woman behind the counter, “I’m here to visit Jung Taekwoon.”

  
  
  


He doesn’t know what he expected, but it isn’t this. He has never visited a mental hospital before, and perhaps it’s just a product of his own prejudice, but it is much calmer than he imagined. He’s told Taekwoon is out in the yard at the moment, one of the two places where the patients can meet with their visitors, so once his bag has been thoroughly inspected, the woman guides him to the door to the grounds. She opens the door, and that pleasant early summer air washes over him again. “Over there,” she says, and points into the distance. And there, far ahead and slightly to the right, Jaehwan sees a man sitting on a bench by a table next to the wall. He has his back turned towards them, but there’s no doubt in Jaehwan’s mind about who it is. His body quivers as he draws a deep breath.

“Thank you,” he says. The woman bows before leaving him without another word. And in his mind, Jaehwan brings that one mute, squirming piece of flesh up to the surface. “Watch this,” he tells it, and then he starts making his way over to the bench next to the wall. 

  
  


When Jaehwan rounds the table and sits down opposite Taekwoon on the other side, he feels his heart banging in his throat. The first glance is nothing special. Despite everything that has happened since then, it feels the exact same as when they last saw each other, before Taekwoon left for his vacation in Japan. 

Taekwoon stares at him through round eyes. “You came,” he says, almost in disbelief. 

And in that moment of realizing he would give Taekwoon anything he could possibly ask for, he remembers what loving feels like. “Of course I came,” he says. 

Taekwoon casts his eyes down, staring at the table. “Before you say anything,” he starts, “I need to tell you something while I still have the courage.” 

Jaewan nods. “I’m listening.”

One deep breath, and then: “I’m sorry.” 

Jaehwan feels nothing about it. 

“I am so sorry for leaving you like that, and for how I left things between us.” 

His voice is quiet, like it’s taking all of his composure to get these words out. 

“It wasn’t your fault,” Jaehwan says. 

“I just--” Taekwoon interrupts. “I just need to say it. And I need you to know that you did nothing wrong. I was so out of my mind with the anxiety and -- I couldn’t even bring myself to explain to you. But I know I should have. Because it wasn’t you. Okay?” 

Jaehwan nods again. He feels something now -- he just isn’t sure what. “Thank you.” 

“No,” Taekwoon says, finally looking up to reveal the tears in his eyes. “Thank  _ you _ . For all the love that you gave me. I know I fucked it all up and acted like it meant nothing, but you have no idea how important it was to me.” 

“It’s okay,” Jaehwan says. It seems true. 

“I know it’s late. And I’m under no illusion that you’ll forgive me right away. But I hope that someday…” He turns away, angrily wiping at his eyes. 

“Don’t worry,” Jaehwan says. “I understand that things were hard for you, so focus on getting better for now. Don’t worry about other people.” 

Taekwoon draws a quivering breath as he looks down, nodding quietly. “Okay. It feels better… having said it, anyway. Even though I can’t do anything for you.” Jaehwan smiles at him, and Taekwoon manages a smile back. “Anyway. Enough about me. How have you been?” 

Jaehwan takes in his appearance, from his hair (slightly longer than last time they met) to his oversized hoodie and the tired, damp circles under his eyes. To think that Jaehwan spent so many nights over the past months thinking that Taekwoon didn’t have a heart. Yet here he has been all along, trying to make sure that same heart kept beating, even when he didn’t want it to. 

Jaehwan smiles. The instinct to keep Taekwoon safe kicks in and shows him the way back to the boundless love that Hakyeon insisted Jaehwan still had in his heart. It’s still there. He’s still himself.

“Good,” he says. “I’ve been good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never wanted to love you, but that's okay  
> I always knew that you'd leave me anyway  
> But darling, when I see you, I see me
> 
> I asked the boys if they'd let me go out and play  
> They always said that you'd hurt me anyway  
> But darling, when I see you, I see me
> 
> I often thought that you'd be better off left alone  
> Why throw a circle 'round a man with broken bones?  
> But darling, when I see you, I see me
> 
> You always looked like you had something else on your mind  
> But when I tried to tell you, you'd tell me 'never mind'  
> But darling, when I see you, you see me
> 
> I want to tell you that I'll never love anyone else  
> You want to tell me that you're better off by yourself  
> But darling, when I see you, you see me
> 
> This is not what I'm like, this is not what I do.
> 
>  
> 
> For peace.
> 
> Thank you for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from 'I see you, you see me' by The Magic Numbers.


End file.
